The Hills Reality Check: 'Old Habits Die Hard'

In last night's installment of faux-reality saga The Hills, we learned several important lessons: The Justin-Audrina love saga is not over and will never be over, and if you're being paid $90,000 per episode and you want someone to shoot straight with you, you've got no choice but to go home. Beneath the dead-on lyrics of The Sounds' 'Home Is Where Your Heart Is,' we met the hero of the episode: Kristin's no-nonsense father. Unafraid to wear high-waisted jeans, diss Kristin's new beau ("Everyone needs a big tattoo on their stomach") and call out a self-absorbed spade for being a self-absorbed spade, we can only hope that Kristin's dad gets more screen time this season. Details and the winners of this week's Real/Fake Jackpot after the jump.

REAL: Kristin's Dad Begs the Age-Old Question: Is Brody Still In Love With Himself?

Craving a break from the Hollywood drama of her co-stars and paid-to-be-flaky love interest Justin, Kristin hopped into her camera-equipped BMW convertible and drove to her parents' home in Laguna Beach. As the three shared some wine and cheese with her dad and her yoga-instructor stepmother, conversation quickly moved from Kristin to her friends. Her dad was interested in one Hills player in particular: Brody. The following conversation unfurled after Kristin's father made an unfitting, Casablanca-inspired toast ("Here's to looking at you") and is simply too brilliant to have been scripted by the Hills producers.

Kristin's Dad: So what's been going on?

Kristin: I've been seeing a lot of Brody.

Kristin's Dad: Yeah. So is Brody still kind of in love with himself?

Kristin: [Uncomfortable laugh] I have to say this, though, Brody has grown up a lot in the past...it's been four years, I guess.

Kristin's Dad: So he can see beyond the reflection in the mirror?

Kristin: You know, he's dating a Playmate, which is --

Kristin's Dad: So he can't see much beyond the reflection in the mirror.

Yes, Kristin's Dad just went there. Can we please get him on the payroll? Each week he could visit a different reality star and dole out brutally harsh, yet accurate criticisms and cut the painfully forced scenes in which producers arrange stunts like this...

FAKE: Justin Bobby Breaks Into Kristin's Malibu Home And Cooks Her Dinner

Whenever The Hills creates its fictional storylines, characters seem 200% fishier than they would if they were simply shopping and emitting occasional shirt assessments like "That's, like, really soft." Sweeping aside the whole Heidi/Spencer Mexican restaurant intervention for Heidi's sister, Holly (who, at worst, is an emotional drinker), Justin Bobby handling food is too far outside the realm of believability, even for The Hills.

The scene was set up with Justin Bobby walking around Kristin's kitchen as Foley artists supplied top-notch sound effects like carrot-peeling and something frying. I suppose we were supposed to believe that Justin had smashed a window and jumped into the beach side mansion with a bag of groceries? As Kristin strolled into the kitchen, purse in hand (to convey that she just got home), Justin mumbled something about being out of town at the time of Brody's birthday party. Producers off camera yelled for him to enunciate, but he refused, already angry that they were making him cook, even if it was only fake-cooking. Editors added a few bonus shots of pots and pans but the burner was never on and we never saw Justin handling food, since all shots were from the chest up. Sure, he stood over that stove convincingly but the only thing cooking in that kitchen was Justin's growing rage that producers were feminizing him.

Kristin and Justin were herded outside to her balcony, where a candle-lit dinner was staged (though the plates could have been holding KFC fried chicken because we never saw any food). Justin tried to sell the shot by wiping his mouth off, but the cast and crew, so exhausted from this disaster shoot, told them to just ad lib, to which Justin offered, "I don't think I've cooked anyone dinner before."

As the two exited Kristin's porch, they decided to leave the dishes because Kristin will "do them later." Having gotten the necessary shot of Kristin and Justin walking into his bedroom as he pulls off his sweater, production wrapped and some poor P.A. was left to deal with clean-up.