Movieline Helps Nudge TV Towards Its T-Shirt-Inspired Future

OK, so we realize that ABC's new sitcom, I'm With Stupid, is actually based on a book that borrowed what is perhaps history's most beloved novelty t-shirt slogan, and not on the arrow-pointing-to-ostensibly-stupid-person classic itself. But you know what? Idea-starved network executives can really use all the source material they can get, so why shouldn't they spend an afternoon roaming the discount t-shirt stalls of Venice Beach, emerging with an entire seasonal development slate's worth of fresh inspiration? And so Movieline, bravely opting not to do the "How To Tell Your Various Cinematic Wolfmen Apart" post suggested by today's lycanthrope-oversaturated slow news day, is throwing out a few ideas to get the ball rolling:

1. Federal Body Inspector

Network: USA

Cast: Ed Cavanaugh, Kristen Bell, Rider Strong

The Pitch: A charismatic, down-on-his-luck. alcoholic former federal agent, having left the Bureau in disgrace after bungling a years-long organized crime case, finds himself scraping together a living by judging bikini and wet t-shirt-contests on South Padre Island. He's approached by an attractive, uptight woman somehow aware of his former life, who begs for his help in locating the brother who's suddenly gone missing in the wild resort town. After the two unlikely partners liberate the brother from the clutches of a local gang, she persuades the ex-fed to continue his after-hours investigative work, offering to run the business side of his jiggle-contest-judge-by-day, private-eye-by-night operation, with her ne'er-do-well sibling on board to do their unglamorous legwork. Also, they have a monkey who wears tiny baseball caps.

2. More Cowbell

Network: NBC

Cast: Lorenzo Lamas, Drake Bell, Samm Levine

The Pitch: A mockumentary-style, single-camera comedy about an aging rocker, the onetime frontman of fifth-most-popular prog-rock band of 1977, who gathers what's left of his old bandmates to launch a reunion tour after an unlockable bonus track in Guitar Hero 5 momentarily revives interest in the long-dormant group. Out on the road, the band (filled out by a couple of untested kids and assisted by a 20-something manager who discovered them through the video game) learns about the harsh realities of the music business --and of life in general! -- in 2010, but not even the most humiliating experiences can shake their blind, Spinal-Tap-esque faith in the music. (Pending a thorough trademark search, the band will be called Sexual Galaxy.)

3. My Parents Went to Miami And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

Network: ABC (or ABC Family)

Cast: Any cute kid from a fabric softener commercial, Jane Kaczmarek, Richard Schiff

The Pitch: It's Home Alone meets Full House (more because those two titles sound sort of amazing pitched together than because of any logical, high-concept reason) when a northern family heads to Florida for winter vacation without their youngest, most precocious child, then suffers a season-long string of (credulity-testing) misadventures that prevent them from returning to retrieve the child. And yes, at the end of the season, they bring the kid -- who's used his wits and adorableness to thrive in the family's absence -- the titular novelty t-shirt. (Subsequent season will feature different cities and a new, location-appropriate shirt. Because they just keep forgetting to bring him along!)

4. Untitled Tuxedo T-Shirt Project

Network: Fox

Cast: Kelsey Grammer attached following cancellation of Hank, then drops out to take some time off from the TV thing; replacement TBD

The Pitch: Holy sh*t, we love that f*cking t-shirt! We were just saying at lunch the other day that that shirt should totally be a show. It has showy-ness, right? It's, like, a regular shirt, but there's a tuxedo painted on the front, so somebody wears it to a formal occasion or something, like they're winning some big award, but they're all, "F*ck this, I don't even want to do this for the rest of my life!", whatever this is, but this is something really boring, like a brain doctor who wrote some brain-doctor paper that revolutionized brain-doctoring forever, but he's secretly a f*ck-this kinda guy. He gives some big eff-this speech, in his t-shirt, and boom, he's off to do something more fun, which his wife is not into at all. We love this. Or, or, or...guy wears the shirt to his wedding, and then obviously the wedding doesn't happen, so he's off to be a dude, without a wife. No, no, we like the brain-doctor better. Brain-doctor, totally. The shirt glows in the dark when you turn off the lights! Oh, that's the one with ribcage and bones on it? Whatever, ours glows too. We can have it glow. So good, we're doing this.

[ Ed.note--Movieline's Editor at Large reserves the right to actually pitch any of these ideas to the networks, especially the Cowbell one. ]