How Does 'Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder' Stack Up Against Past 'SNL Weekend Update' Afflictions?

While Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" reacquaints viewers with the week's news, it also brings to light notable, lesser-known medical conditions. Pathological liars, delusional deaf ladies, and muttering bastards have all taken a turn at the "Update" desk, and I'm not just talking about Chris Kattan. On Saturday's show, Kristen Wiig played Tamara Parks, a "recovered" sufferer of Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder who burst into multiple orgasms during the course of her sit-down. Is she SNL's most tragic case yet?

Name: Tamara Parks

Played by: Kristen Wiig

Affliction: Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder

Description: Has up to 200 orgasms a day triggered by exercise, walking upstairs, warm winds, cold winds; smiles like she's frowning

Seriousness: 8

Tamara Parks's orgasm disorder may not be "as fun as it sounds" (quoth Parks herself), but this situation could be worse. For instance, one could burst into bored, angry silence almost 200 times in 90 minutes, which is what I did during Saturday's SNL. Wiig's performance here saved the entire broadcast -- though Shakira's hip-catapulting, undulating robot choreography did not go unappreciated or undiagnosed. (Seriousness: 5).

Name: Jacob Silj

Played by: Will Ferrell

Affliction: Voice Immodulation Disorder (Van Horton's Syndrome)

Description: Cannot control vocal volume; cannot silently confide in best friend about hiding an erection in class; 48-year-old virgin

Seriousness: 6

Will Ferrell's best "Weekend Update" contribution was an abrupt man with little to hide -- because he had no choice. Jacob Silj's inability to lower his voice is tragic, yes, but it's not debilitating in any way, except when trying to sing, "And a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now..." at high school dances with friends. You can't compensate for Isley Brothers-accompanied good times with medical awareness.

Name: Tommy Flanagan

Played by: Jon Lovitz

Affliction: Pathological Liar

Description: Pathologically lies; accompanies lies with recognizable catchphrase

Seriousness: 7

Tommy Flanagan's "That's the ticket!" catchphrase was SNL's big shot at Bartlett's Familiar Quotations glory until the Church Lady's arrival, but that didn't make Flanagan any less sane. He often claimed that Morgan Fairchild was his wife, which was an outrage until the day Flanagan redeemed himself by throttling Andy Dick.

Name: Nathan Thurm

Played by: Martin Short

Affliction: Paranoia, Denial

Description: Balks and retorts when confronted about shady business dealings

Seriousness: 9

Lawyers who lie? Not a big deal. Lawyers who impulsively react with glib, contrary quips and the shakes? That's a little more clinical. Nathan Thurm regularly railed against unwitting anchor Christopher Guest with rejoinders like, "I'm not being defensive. You're the one who's being defensive!" His apparent paranoia didn't help the matter. Say what you will about the other prognoses, but frankly, this is only guy who may have killed someone.

Name: Emily Litella

Played by: Gilda Radner

Affliction: Hearing loss, histrionics

Description: Asks youngsters to speak up; misreports the news; general oldness

Seriousness: 3

The first classic "Weekend Update" correspondent may still be the best, because Lorne Michaels used to agree that skits shouldn't last 7+ minutes. For the record, Litella did get her wish of "more violins" on television, but we doubt she can locate the Ovation network or even that episode of Grey's Anatomy where sexily upset Isaiah Washington can't save the virtuoso.