Project Runway Recap: Playing Dirrty

Shirin: "I've chosen Hollywood glamor as an inspiration. I want to capture the spirit of classic sirens like Rihanna and Lo Bosworth."

Althea: "Dresses!"

Irina: "You can tell who's a moron here based on what fabric he or she bought. Look at Shirin. Grinning as she covers up her fug polyester, and her illiteracy. It's sad, yeah, but sometimes you don't realize something is funny until you laugh out loud at it. I'm at that point already. She's putting ruffles on her outfit too, because that always works out in the end. Did you know that the Russian pronunciation of my name is "Bryant Park"? Oh well. Back to winning."

Tim Gunn: "Hello designers! I'm here to check up on your work and offer diplomatic instruction. Let's start with you, Shir -- OH, MY GOD, A VICIOUS DRAGON. Oh. Sorry, Shirin. Your dress startled me. Give me a moment to take it all in. Well, I will say that it is (lowers voice) a disappointment. It looks like student work. That's saying something, because sometimes you just need a driver's license to get into fashion school. And where's the big reveal? We want to see a 'super sexy slut' not Guinevere-meets-Vampyra. This isn't a tea party at Michael Kors's house for heaven's sake. Have you seen Christina Aguilera? Furstenberg and I saw her at the Staples Center, and she bedded six men before the encore. Keep that in mind. Gordana, your look is matronly. I'll leave you to your emotions. Althea, what a "wow" look! Christopher, go to bed. Carol Hannah, you have a winner here, despite your inability to un-cross your eyes. Irina, I hate everyone here. Let's crank call Isaac Mizrahi again."

On to the runway, where Heidi reintroduces the long lost Nina Garcia, laments Michael Kors's absence by muttering something about a face-torching procedure "gone wrong," and introduces guest-judges Bob Mackie and Christina Aguilera. Guys, the dresses this week are so boring they aren't worth revisiting. Shirin's is too fluttery and Halloween-y. Christopher's is too everything-Tim-said. Gordana's is too joyless and reminiscent of an orphanage fire. Carol Hannah's has feathers, and for that Christina Aguilera raises both eyelids. She is the winner.

I actually get stressed out when Shirin and Christopher are named the bottom two, since both designers have produced decent designs in the past. Ultimately Shirin gets the boot, which is pretty much an enormous crime compared to Logan's lame ouevre. Next week, both Garcia and Kors return, meaning we'll at least have several pages of Holly Hobby references and mastiff-like snarls to analyze. Those two freaks are beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can't bring them down. And they don't even have to out-whore Lil Kim in a terrible music video. Alright, cut the lights.

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