Project Runway Recap: Playing Dirrty

Distract yourself from the fact that Christina Aguilera still looks like a Matryoshka version of JonBenet Ramsey and philosophize with me: How can a group of historically knowledgeable designers botch a challenge devoted to the fun of stagewear? Do they not understand Project Runway? I vow to answer these queries thoroughly, and almost seriously. Let's retrace this episode's descent into the glittery kiln of hell.

For a nice change of pace, this episode begins with the remaining designers giving inarticulate confessionals. Shirin passionately explains that she "belongs in the competition," but we do not hear enough to guess if she's talking about hula-hooping, firefly-catching, or what. Christopher says something about "being in the bottom" too many times, and all the viewers here at Virtel Manor clank wine glasses and yell, "Girl" to that. And Carol-Hannah chimes in that "slow and steady wins the race," which is one of life's great lies.

On the runway, Heidi has big news for the eight contestants.

"Welcome, designers. And you too, Logan. Gordana, you won the last challenge despite my clear resentment, and for that I respect you. You have immunity this round, which leaves you plenty of time to reflect on the locusts that ravaged your split-level. To the rest of you, Tim's backstage with someone you'll really want to meet. Perhaps he will even have some Pez for you, Carol Hannah. Ciao!"

Racing backstage in a Yours, Mine, and Ours heap, the designers enter a dark, strange lair with the name "Bob Mackie" stamped on the back wall. Tim's standing there with the glitzy costumer himself, as well as many of his famous gowns for Cher, Madonna, Diana Ross, and other panther demons of ancient Sumeria.

"Designers!" Tim caws. "I am standing here with Bob Mackie, who is regularly called 'The Sultan of Sequins.' (Whispered): Makes me want to take a bath! Today you're going to be designing a dress in the style of Bob Mackie, which is going to require imagination, ingenuity, and my absence. Because I'll just start dry-heaving right there. No offense. You also have to design for a specific client in mind. She is a five-time Grammy-winner known the world over for her fashion statements, incredible voice, and clown hair. She also calls herself "provocative," and today we'll find out if she knows what that word means. I'm talking about Christina Aguilera, babies! Get excited! Logan, she's a singer."

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