The Hills Reality Check: 'Strike One'

Last week on The Hills, someone in post took an extended shopping montage and actually deemed it an "episode," but MTV quickly made up for that dullness with last night's fantasy actualization doozy. Only three episodes into Kristin Cavallari's arc as lead lightweight, MTV producers rewarded viewers by directing someone to smack her in the face and then stand her up. To see which of these moments hit the Real/Fake Jackpot, and which sequence we will remember in times of spiritual despair, join us after the jump.

BRILLIANTLY FAKE: During His Juvenile-Themed Birthday Party, Brody Unleashes Water Balloon Fury At Kristin, Verbal Fury at Girlfriend

Every now and then, MTV producers will call upon divine inspiration to storyboard the kind of scene that keeps skeptical viewers tuning in each week, and evidence of this higher power was found during Brody's kiddie themed birthday party last night. Thrown by MTV his girlfriend Jade, the b-day bash features a few of Brody's favorite things: water balloons, bounce-arounds, fedora-sporting bros and bikini-clad chicks (including Brody's mother).

Caught up in all of the testosterone of the party scene, one of Brody's friends smacked Kristin in the face with an expertly thrown water balloon. Lest you think MTV would not knowingly submit its $90,000-per-episode talent to such abuse, recall how MTV's camera was fixed tightly on Kristin's face just as the missile made glorious contact with her cheek. Surprised by the impact, Kristin whipped off her Ray Bans, eyes red, and shrieked, "You friggin' decked me in the face." Perhaps she could have sought retaliation if only Kristin's man-of-the-moment, Justin, had not been instructed to stand her up.

All scripted wrongs were righted when Brody's surgically maintained mother hugged Kristin on cue, coo-ing, "[Justin]'s not lucky enough to be your man." Jade, exasperated by the fact that Brody's mom was hugging Brody's ex-girlfriend (even if it was staged), delivered her line with added fervor: "Can we just open up all of these f***ing presents?"

The lovers quarrel escalated as Brody unwrapped some sex toy gifts and a producer yelled off camera, "Tell Jade that you're going to use that dominatrix collar on her!" Brody, loving it, repeated the line to Jade's dismay. As Jade stormed off and Brody's mom stood by, licking a lollipop (pictured right), Brody expertly ad-libbed: "Are you really just going to be a bitch like this? Fine, leave. We don't care!" Moved by the surprising poignancy of the scene, production wrapped quickly after this take.

REAL: Kristin Actually Wants Two More Cute Star Tattoos On Her Foot

Kristin and Justin were lounging in the sun at the former's beachfront property, sipping chilled white wine as a sweaty grip held a microphone over their carefully coiffed heads. The script provided only one stage direction: "Kristin and Justin make small talk."

Justin boldly took the lead, referencing the giant inked "ITALIA" on his abdominal muscles that would have otherwise gone unnoticed. Kristin, totally getting where he was going, replied, "Yeah, I like your tattoo." After a few natural back-and-forths that simply could not have been scripted (because we would have surely heard about the suicide of the guy who penned, "Did it hurt?"/"Uh, yah."), Kristin segued into her own tattoo dreams.

Maybe it was the way Kristin instinctively wiggled her foot to make the point, or maybe it was the easygoing determination that the aspiring actress can never muster in scenes that actually count, but when Kristin described her plans to further appendage ink -- "I want to get two more stars on my foot" -- I believed it. Even when Justin played devil's advocate ("You're kidding!"), Kristin forged on, giggling, "I have one, I want to get two more. I just think they're cute." Sold!