5 Urgent, History-Referencing Rules for Seth MacFarlane's Variety Show

As part of network television's pact to appease great-aunts and Satan, Fox will stage a new variety special, this one starring Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane. The program, currently titled Family Guy Presents: Seth and Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show, will run for 30 minutes without formal commercial breaks, instead opting to integrate "marketing messages throughout the program for Microsoft's new Windows 7 operating system." Spooky! Variety programming has a highly dubious past, but it's rife with pointers for vaudevillian fledgling MacFarlane. Movieline investigates five cataclysmic variety specials and their lessons for MacFarlane after the jump.

Rosie Live

Lesson #1: Don't wheel out a shaky legend. The whizzbang of a network variety special is too precious and demanding, and ultimately the legend (in this case, Liza Minnelli) comes off as strained, or as Butch Patrick in a pantsuit. Stick to age-old variety successes and stage all musical numbers with beaming, blushing, secretly tortured stars like Karen Carpenter and Kristy McNichol.

The Nick & Jessica Variety Hour

Lesson #2: Incessant slapstick is always depressing, even (or especially) in a variety format. Despite her stiletto heel pivots or sleepy beer bottle smashes, Jessica Simpson never approaches the finesse of her thespian mentor Moe Howard. Also, if your act starts lagging, don't rip off your shirt. The Chippendales patronage doesn't watch variety shows. As I understand it, they're at Chippendales, wetnapping their foreheads and begging for Chadwick, who hasn't actually worked there for some time.

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