Project Runway Recap: Bride's Dress Revisited

From the top of the episode, Gordana receives a lot of screen time, which, to put it in Tim Gunn terms, worries me. To put it in insane terms, I hid in the cupboards. Gordana is clearly the reason I watch this show, and when she starts receiving "the loser edit" (quoth the boys at Project RunGay) it's more gruesome than Saw. Within the first ten minutes, we see Gordana in a confessional no less than three times. A death knell, surely! She also admits that she is a divorcee, because sometimes husbands don't understand that she is an asbestos-suffocated Eastern Bloc angel on this cruel Earth. We'll get back to her strife momentarily.

Shirin, however, has not only picked the fussiest bride, but the shortest, most impossible material to work with. Her client Charlie's dress is skimpy and polyester, a woeful combo. She can't even dye the gown a new color, which is pretty perturbing when Irina is in the corner, gleefully turning her fabric a luscious mocha and slapping her own ass in victory. To make matters worse, Charlie insists she wants a "Cher in Half-Breed" look. Shirin knows that's impossible and frets immediately.

After a trip to Mood where the designers are only allowed to buy two extra yards of fabric, Carol-Hannah notes that she makes her living making wedding dresses. She admits that tearing up a pre-existing gown feels like "running into a church and swearing at the top of your lungs." I feel like Carol-Hannah and her friends might actually do that sort of thing, maybe after consuming large amounts of orange soda and Pez. Epperson says that he plans to use very little of the original wedding dress for his design, and notes, "You won't even know this has anything to do with a wedding dress." Clearly, Epperson has never heard of Project Runway. That's exactly the type of call that gets you eliminated.

Now, back to Gordana, who becomes worried and isolated during the challenge. She declares that she needs to call her family back home, and my feelings agree. Forced to leave a voicemail with her loved ones, she unleashes a painful monologue, which I have transcribed here:

"HELLO [sob]. IT'S ME. GORDI. YOUR LITTLE SIVI AMERIČKI MEDVJED [grizzly bear]. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT MY DISTRESS LEVEL IS BIGGER, DEEPER AND MORE MOURNFUL THAN THE CHUM-FILLED SHORES OF THE ADRIATIC'S QUESTIONABLE SLOVENIAN CORNER. I JUST MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH. THE PAIN COMPOUNDS MY NAIVELY OPTIMISTIC CHILDHOOD OF BEFRIENDING COMMON WOOD PLANKS AND MY CONSTANT NIGHTMARE OF A RETURN TO HABSBURG RULE. AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THIS IS NO WORSE THAN A TRADITIONAL AMERICAN MAROON 5 CONCERT. OH, HOW I MISS YOU ALL. LIKE YOU, SMALL AVRELIJA, AND YOUR STARTLING BROWN EYES THAT WERE ORIGINALLY BLUE BUT A ROGUE MARMOT INTERVENED. OR YOU, BLITHE LITTLE FRANCISEK. AT SIX YEARS OLD, YOU ARE A FINE ARTIST. I WISH I HAD TIME TO COMMEND YOU THOROUGHLY ON YOUR DIRE, ACCURATE CHARCOAL RENDERING OF THE NATIONAL RAILWAY. THE PURPLE APOCALYPTIC SKY IS NOT ARTISTIC EXAGGERATION, HISTORIANS WILL NOTE. OTHERWISE, I AM FINE. HAVING A GOOD TIME. OKAY, THAT IS ALL FROM YOUR LITTLE POZABLJENE ZELJE [forgotten cabbage]. BYE."

Tim Gunn enters the workroom with high hopes and starts evaluating each designer. He observes Christopher's flimsy, puffy dress and notes, "She's going to look like a cougar." He scowls like a dragon at Epperson's creation, saying, "The core of this look has to be the wedding dress. It looks like a lab coat." Shirin is understandably frazzled, bursting into tears when Tim notes that she should "play with the colorblocking. You have to be liberated from this. And by this I mean the horseshit of a bargain-bin Cher costume you think you're making." Lastly, he remarks to the consummately underwhelming Logan, "OK, Logan, just figure this out. Make it work. Or shoot me in the f*cking head and don't make it work. Sit over there and polish your cheekbones. Either way."

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