Where Can I Find the Rest of These Slutty Samurai?

In the preceding picture, a well-oiled debutante promises to save feudal Japan using only her mid-air swashbuckling skills and a sherbet-colored kimono. Her shiny Party City costume? It's yours for $39.99! $19.99 after October 31! $4.99 after it is deemed extremely flammable by inspectors. So what gives? Who is this kabuki sorceress, and why do we care? Hint: She's smiling without her eyes at least once here.

The picture is a leaked still from next week's episode of America's Next Top Model, or as I call it, The Tyra Banks Learning Annex. It took 13 seasons for its "Top Model" training shoots to evolve into catalog poses for lycra nightwear from Lover's Lane. Banzai, bitches! You can't tell me Gilles Bensimon ogles this shot and thinks, "There she is. Linda Evangelista II." No. He thinks, "Crouching Prostitute, Hidden Drag Queen." It's like a reimagined, kabuki-invoking musical version of M. Butterfly. Check for a bulge, Jeremy Irons!

'ANTM' Photoshoot 6 [ONTD]