David Letterman's Love Letters to Stephanie Birkitt: A Movieline Reenactment

"The TV host's former assistant, Stephanie Birkitt, is believed to have conducted a relationship with Letterman as well -- allegedly, her letters and diaries were the source of suspect Robert Halderman's alleged blackmail attempts." - Access Hollywood

The following is a dramatic recreation of what might have been contained inside those personal correspondences.

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From: Dave

To: Vicki

Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2008 03:09:44 +0000

Dearest Vicki,

You are peachy and I hope you really understand that. You are swell and spiffy and vitamin-fortified in a whole host of ways that are worth a much longer bit than this. To be continued ... Have been having a few email problems as I'm on the ranch where the internet doesn't reach, plus you know how much I hate computers, so I'm just dictating this to Caryn, my new fifth assistant, who we've just promoted from intern. She reminds me a bit of you, especially when she puts on the varsity jacket. Listen to me. Jesus to Betsy, I'm a boob. Like you want to hear about the new girl in the office. Caryn, strike that last sentence from this e-mail.

Another super day outside. Hope you are equally super. Know that I miss you. How's that goatee-faced goofball of a boyfriend doing? Still hanging out in chatrooms with pedophiles? OK OK I know he works for 48 Hours not Dateline NBC. Same difference. In any case, you can do better. I was looking at your Christmas card again last night, and all I could think was John Travolta in that gay motorcycle movie -- Hungry Hogs or some such. Oh, and before I forget, send your mailing address as I want to send you an insignificant something next week when I am back in civilization that I think you might find interesting given our recent conversation about your love of the Cabin Boy soundtrack.

There is no off position to the love switch, D

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