Project Runway Recap: Blue Suede Snooze

After a long night of confirming it all in encyclopedias and scholarly journals, I'm emotionally prepared to discuss all that I learned during this week's episode of Project Runway. Chalk and slates ready. 1) There is a color in existence named "blue." It is right here on page 377. 2) Macy's likes to design some of their clothes in "blue." Check Movieline for further updates. 3) "Blue" is an edgy enough color that it can have its own challenge. It is uncontrollable. You can't put "blue" in a box. "Blue" is your past and your fear. And lastly, 4) The producers of Project Runway are hitting the cyanide-flavored crackpipe now, because this is easily the stupidest, most ass-chafingly awful challenge in the history of the show. Come on, let's work through the horrid blue yonder together.

Before the 10 remaining contestants bother Heidi on the runway with optimism, an important announcement is made by the official mascot of Movieline, Gordana Gehlhausen:

"IT REALLY IS LIKE THE OLYMPIC GAMES," she murmured, but still loud enough to send viewers and meandering wolves flying into walls. "WE'RE ALL PERFECT ATHLETES, BUT ONE COMES ONE OR TWO SECONDS BEFORE THE OTHERS. MY STRIFE IS BEST EXPLAINED THROUGH JURE FRANKO'S SILVER MEDAL WIN AT THE 1984 WINTER GAMES. AS ALL CIVILIANS OF THE FORMER YUGOSLAVIA KNOW, WE BELIEVE IT IS UNBECOMING TO MOVE ONE'S LIMBS SUDDENLY, OR AT ALL ON SOME DAYS. WELL, WHEN FRANKO COMPETED IN GIANT SLALOM, INFECTED THE ZEITGEIST WITH THE JOY OF MOTION, AND INTRODUCED YUGOSLAVIA'S NAME TO THE NON-YUGOSLAVIAN UNIVERSE, WE FELT REJUVENATED, WHOLE, ARGUABLY ORGANISMS UNDER THE SUN. SOME INSPIRED CHILDREN MOVED THEIR LIMBS ABLY AFTERWARD (THEY WERE REPRIMANDED). BUT THING IS, EVEN THOUGH WE ARE A MAJOR FORCE, WE ARE STILL SECOND PLACE. I LEARN TO CHANNEL MY FRUSTRATION INTO MY DESIGNS, AS WELL AS THE INEVITABLE DEMISE OF SWITZERLAND'S MAX JULEN. AMEN. THANK YOU."

On the runway, Heidi congratulates Nicolas on his stupid, stupid win last week with that feathered Bai Ling number. All she says about the upcoming challenge is it "involves color," which is a big change from the rest of the show, you understand. The ten sewing vagabonds meet Tim Gunn backstage, who is standing with a frozen-faced woman in a blazer. "I'm going to hand over this garbage dump of a challenge to Martine Riordan of Macy's!" he says, backing out of the room slowly. Martine then nervously commands the designers with stilted emphasis on what ever syllable she pleases. "DeSIGNers! Macy's is a store. We are focused ON wearable clothes that are sometimes in the COLOR blue. Your challenge! Is to make two blue outfits for the Macy's Inc line. Let me remind you: Blue can mean different things to different people. For me, like all colors, it means hopelessness. You're working in teams of two so you can really hash out what blue means to you."

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