I Will Not Help You Pick Out Your F*cking Headshot
There's a great story about this caricaturist who has a successful stall on Venice Beach. Some guy told the artist he'd pay him to draw a picture on the back of a Federal Breasts Inspector t-shirt he'd just bought at a nearby stand. The artist whipped out a Sharpie and banged out a sketch, handed it to the guy, and said, "One million dollars, please."
"A million dollars?" the guy exclaimed. "That only took you thirty seconds!"
"Yes" said the artist. "But it took me fifteen years of drawing the caricatures of snot-nosed kids and their awful, awful parents at Disneyland to learn how to draw that in thirty seconds. It was a hellish place to work. If you took more than five minutes a portrait, Goofy and Donald would work you over with a week-old churro. Those things are like iron. I suffered -- oh how I suffered! -- to hone my craft. I still vomit any time I see those mouse ears."
Like the cad who asks the professional for a free look, the guy simply didn't have enough respect for the artist to think about what he was asking for. If you think it's only about the time, then ask one of your non-casting friends to look at the headshots. Hell, they might even enjoy your headshots. They might gaze upon you with a newfound respect, thinking you could actually look like the hotter version of yourself in those photos. It could even come to pass that they call up a friend in the movie business and help you get an audition, where you'll trade your dignity and a grudging handjob for a walk-on role in the next Leo Dicaprio picture, and soon, all you dreams will come true. But me?
I will not help you pick out your f*cking headshot.
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Comments
I will not help you edit your f*cking satirical rant, which is not very funny and way too long.
Amen.
This is fucking brilliant. I want to print it out and hang it on my wall.
Is helping someone pick out their fucking headshot really a bigger waste of time than "All About Steve"?
I'm sorry, this was well written and all, but I don't take advice from people who worked on All About Steve. Similarly, I stay away from heeding the words of widsom of ITT Tech Graduates or University of Phoenix alumnus.
There are way too many words here for anyone's own good.
I thought it was kinda funny. No? Also...it seems like every other commenter has probably given their head shot to this guy at some point.
Funnyish but hey, casting assistant guy, that piece said "©2009 Josh Olson. All rights reserved" so...
But no, I will not give you any fucking free legal advice.
Yeah, it's real difficult to read words on a website I'm reading. Next time can you just condense the crux of your piece into a digestible headline and graphic illustrations? That would make my job as a reader much more tolerable.
You fuckin speds.
I Will Help You Perfect Your Foley Walk, in case you're looking for that sort of thing.
Dear Lisanti,
Thanks for satirizing John Olson's insufferably obnoxious essay (you've earned a Double Fudge Mint Oreo Xplosion on my dime). The man's only credit worth a damn is 'A History of Violence' and you could very easily make the argument that Olson's scattered script is by far the weakest link in that movie. I always wished someone with a better handle on the craft had adapted that comic book, because the characters and general situation were brimming with possibilities.
Don't get me wrong. I agree with his main thesis. Olson just needs to dial down the rampant douchebaggery.
As for the haters on this thread? Maybe you won't give Lisanti any fucking free legal advice or edit his fucking satirical rant, but perhaps you can consider doing us all a favor and seeing about getting a fucking free sense of humor?
Can you look at my headshot?
I'm a lover not a fighter.
I like to ride on tigers or lions. but horsies are good too.
I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware that this guy isn't being serious. I read some of the comments and I wasn't sure. Read the real one by Josh Olson and maybe you'll enjoy this one more. Surely no one took this seriously.
I think people did take it seriously, which makes me laugh even harder.