I Will Not Help You Pick Out Your F*cking Headshot
(I should mention that while I was circling away with my grease pencil, she pulled the ultimate amateur move, and sent me an e-mail saying, "If you haven't looked at it yet, don't! I have new pictures! Look at these!" In other words, "I ran into a guy at Ralphs who said he takes really affordable, professional headshots at a fraction of the cost of my previous guy but with much better results, so I went off with him, did a new set, and I feel like these will be much better, even though they won't.")
I advised her that is all she was interested in was finding a great headshot, she should find a photographer and stick with him, or if she really wanted was to be an actress, start at the beginning and take some classes, maybe those ones at the Scientology Celebrity Centre because they seem willing to work with people who are a little touched, and start studying seriously.
And you know what? I shouldn't have bothered. Because for all the hair I pulled out, for all the mild cutting I did worrying about giving her a real, professional critique, her response was a terse, "Thanks for your opinion. And by the way, I notice every time you look down my shirt. Every time. Perv." And, the inevitable fallout -- a week later a mutual friend asked me, "What's this dick move I hear you pulled on Whatshername? She's got a decent rack, but come on, let's not stare all the time." So now this girl and her boyfriend think I'm an asshole and a breast-ogler, and the truth of the matter is, the story really ended the moment she handed me that contact sheet. Because if I'd just said "No" then and there, they'd still think I'm an asshole. Only difference is, I wouldn't have had to spend all that time trying to communicate with someone who just wanted a pat on the head, and quite possibly a nice shoulder rub that might make the criticism go down a little easier and provide a couple more glimpses of cleavage, because hey, I should get something out of this deal as well. Actors can be so selfish. It's a selfish vocation, honestly.
You are not owed a look, a glance, a once-over from a professional, even if you think you have an in, and even if you think it's not a huge imposition. (It is. Huge, the imposition. In case I haven't made that clear.) It's not your choice to make. This needs to be, er, clear -- when you ask a professional for their take on your headshots, you're not just asking them to take an hour or two out of their life, you're asking them to give you -- gratis, a Latin word meaning "free" Greek? No, Latin -- the acquired knowledge, insight, and skill of years of work. It is no different than asking your friend the house painter to paint your living room during his off hours. Well, maybe a little different, because that involves ladders and brushes and fun white overalls with those cool paint-spatters all over them. But it's pretty much the same thing, but with headshots.
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Comments
I will not help you edit your f*cking satirical rant, which is not very funny and way too long.
Amen.
This is fucking brilliant. I want to print it out and hang it on my wall.
Is helping someone pick out their fucking headshot really a bigger waste of time than "All About Steve"?
I'm sorry, this was well written and all, but I don't take advice from people who worked on All About Steve. Similarly, I stay away from heeding the words of widsom of ITT Tech Graduates or University of Phoenix alumnus.
There are way too many words here for anyone's own good.
I thought it was kinda funny. No? Also...it seems like every other commenter has probably given their head shot to this guy at some point.
Funnyish but hey, casting assistant guy, that piece said "©2009 Josh Olson. All rights reserved" so...
But no, I will not give you any fucking free legal advice.
Yeah, it's real difficult to read words on a website I'm reading. Next time can you just condense the crux of your piece into a digestible headline and graphic illustrations? That would make my job as a reader much more tolerable.
You fuckin speds.
I Will Help You Perfect Your Foley Walk, in case you're looking for that sort of thing.
Dear Lisanti,
Thanks for satirizing John Olson's insufferably obnoxious essay (you've earned a Double Fudge Mint Oreo Xplosion on my dime). The man's only credit worth a damn is 'A History of Violence' and you could very easily make the argument that Olson's scattered script is by far the weakest link in that movie. I always wished someone with a better handle on the craft had adapted that comic book, because the characters and general situation were brimming with possibilities.
Don't get me wrong. I agree with his main thesis. Olson just needs to dial down the rampant douchebaggery.
As for the haters on this thread? Maybe you won't give Lisanti any fucking free legal advice or edit his fucking satirical rant, but perhaps you can consider doing us all a favor and seeing about getting a fucking free sense of humor?
Can you look at my headshot?
I'm a lover not a fighter.
I like to ride on tigers or lions. but horsies are good too.
I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware that this guy isn't being serious. I read some of the comments and I wasn't sure. Read the real one by Josh Olson and maybe you'll enjoy this one more. Surely no one took this seriously.
I think people did take it seriously, which makes me laugh even harder.