I Will Not Help You Pick Out Your F*cking Headshot
It rarely takes more than a quick glance at a photograph to recognize that you're in the presence of someone attractive enough to be in a television commercial, but it only takes a flash of gap-toothed smile as they hand you that photograph to know you're dealing with someone who should never be on camera.
(By the way, here's a simple way to find out of you're an actor. If you disagree with that statement, you're not an actor. Because, you see, actors also have functioning eyeballs, or it's very difficult for them to read their sides at auditions.)
You may want to allow for the fact that this nice lady had never had a proper headshot taken before, but that doesn't excuse the inability to keep her eyes open in the majority of shots, or to smile without exposing her entire tongue and looking, quite frankly, totally insane. In half of the proofs she felt the need to get her fingers into the frame while making a peace sign, in others she had that tongue inserted in the middle of that peace sign's 'V" to simulate, presumably, an oral sex act. Her eyes crossed, uncrossed, darted in opposing directions that may indicate an ocular disorder. Her name was misspelled on the top of the sheet. I could go on, but I won't. This is the sort of thing that would get you tossed out of background work in a club scene in Entourage, where you're not supposed to do anything but look over and smile as Turtle and Drama bicker over who gets the first swig of champagne, finally collapsing into a pile of noogies and headlocks.
Which brings us to an ugly truth about many aspiring actors. They think that having their headshot taken doesn't actually require the ability to sit or stand still and smile in appealing fashion while a photographer tries to find their best angle, the optimal lighting, and an interesting pose for their subject. Having your headshot taken is widely regarded as the second-easiest way to find an agent, after blowing a guy in a suit you met at the Coffee Bean who claims to be on an important desk at CAA. Anybody with $50 can have their headshot taken in a shady-looking bungalow on Highland Avenue, right? And because they believe that, they don't regard casting professionals with any kind of real respect. They will hand you a headshot without a second thought, because you do not have to be a professional photographer or a director or a studio head to work in casting.
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Comments
I will not help you edit your f*cking satirical rant, which is not very funny and way too long.
Amen.
This is fucking brilliant. I want to print it out and hang it on my wall.
Is helping someone pick out their fucking headshot really a bigger waste of time than "All About Steve"?
I'm sorry, this was well written and all, but I don't take advice from people who worked on All About Steve. Similarly, I stay away from heeding the words of widsom of ITT Tech Graduates or University of Phoenix alumnus.
There are way too many words here for anyone's own good.
I thought it was kinda funny. No? Also...it seems like every other commenter has probably given their head shot to this guy at some point.
Funnyish but hey, casting assistant guy, that piece said "©2009 Josh Olson. All rights reserved" so...
But no, I will not give you any fucking free legal advice.
Yeah, it's real difficult to read words on a website I'm reading. Next time can you just condense the crux of your piece into a digestible headline and graphic illustrations? That would make my job as a reader much more tolerable.
You fuckin speds.
I Will Help You Perfect Your Foley Walk, in case you're looking for that sort of thing.
Dear Lisanti,
Thanks for satirizing John Olson's insufferably obnoxious essay (you've earned a Double Fudge Mint Oreo Xplosion on my dime). The man's only credit worth a damn is 'A History of Violence' and you could very easily make the argument that Olson's scattered script is by far the weakest link in that movie. I always wished someone with a better handle on the craft had adapted that comic book, because the characters and general situation were brimming with possibilities.
Don't get me wrong. I agree with his main thesis. Olson just needs to dial down the rampant douchebaggery.
As for the haters on this thread? Maybe you won't give Lisanti any fucking free legal advice or edit his fucking satirical rant, but perhaps you can consider doing us all a favor and seeing about getting a fucking free sense of humor?
Can you look at my headshot?
I'm a lover not a fighter.
I like to ride on tigers or lions. but horsies are good too.
I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware that this guy isn't being serious. I read some of the comments and I wasn't sure. Read the real one by Josh Olson and maybe you'll enjoy this one more. Surely no one took this seriously.
I think people did take it seriously, which makes me laugh even harder.