I Will Not Help You Pick Out Your F*cking Headshot
Now, I normally have a standard response to people who ask me to help them pick out their headshot, and it's the simple truth: I have two piles next to my bed. One is headshots from good friends, and the other is headshots and Polaroids that agents have sent to me that I have to look at for work. Every time I pick up a friend's headshot, I feel guilty that I'm ignoring work. Every time I pick something up from the other pile, I feel guilty that I'm ignoring my friends. If I look at yours before any of that, I'd be an awful person. Some nights the dilemma becomes so upsetting that I sweep both piles onto the floor in a fit of frustration, roll around in them for a little while while pulling at my hair, eventually falling asleep, my gentle sobs a lullaby of vexation.
Most people get that. But sometimes you find yourself in a situation where the guilt factor is really high, or someone plays on a relationship or a perceived obligation, or someone bribes you with a slice of Double Fudge Mint Oreo Xplosion from The Cheescake Factory, because I'm utterly powerless before that particular offering. Then, I tell them I'll read it, but I if I can put it down after my eyes scan from the top of their heads to the middle of their foreheads, I will. They always go for that, because nobody ever believes you won't get all the way down to their lips once you start. They're so very wrong about that. I've bailed at an unairbrushed frown line many, many times. Try me.
But hell, this was just a contact sheet with 36 little pictures of her, and there was no time to go into song, dance, or fake a fainting spell, and it was just easier to take it. How long can a contact sheet take?
Weeks, is the answer. As in, more than one week, but fewer weeks than would constitute a month, which would just be an absurdly long amount of time.
And this is why I will not help you pick out your f*cking headshot.
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Comments
I will not help you edit your f*cking satirical rant, which is not very funny and way too long.
Amen.
This is fucking brilliant. I want to print it out and hang it on my wall.
Is helping someone pick out their fucking headshot really a bigger waste of time than "All About Steve"?
I'm sorry, this was well written and all, but I don't take advice from people who worked on All About Steve. Similarly, I stay away from heeding the words of widsom of ITT Tech Graduates or University of Phoenix alumnus.
There are way too many words here for anyone's own good.
I thought it was kinda funny. No? Also...it seems like every other commenter has probably given their head shot to this guy at some point.
Funnyish but hey, casting assistant guy, that piece said "©2009 Josh Olson. All rights reserved" so...
But no, I will not give you any fucking free legal advice.
Yeah, it's real difficult to read words on a website I'm reading. Next time can you just condense the crux of your piece into a digestible headline and graphic illustrations? That would make my job as a reader much more tolerable.
You fuckin speds.
I Will Help You Perfect Your Foley Walk, in case you're looking for that sort of thing.
Dear Lisanti,
Thanks for satirizing John Olson's insufferably obnoxious essay (you've earned a Double Fudge Mint Oreo Xplosion on my dime). The man's only credit worth a damn is 'A History of Violence' and you could very easily make the argument that Olson's scattered script is by far the weakest link in that movie. I always wished someone with a better handle on the craft had adapted that comic book, because the characters and general situation were brimming with possibilities.
Don't get me wrong. I agree with his main thesis. Olson just needs to dial down the rampant douchebaggery.
As for the haters on this thread? Maybe you won't give Lisanti any fucking free legal advice or edit his fucking satirical rant, but perhaps you can consider doing us all a favor and seeing about getting a fucking free sense of humor?
Can you look at my headshot?
I'm a lover not a fighter.
I like to ride on tigers or lions. but horsies are good too.
I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware that this guy isn't being serious. I read some of the comments and I wasn't sure. Read the real one by Josh Olson and maybe you'll enjoy this one more. Surely no one took this seriously.
I think people did take it seriously, which makes me laugh even harder.