Movieline Casting Couch: Filling Out The Heathers Call-Sheet

We've recently overcome our fear that Hollywood is the smack-addicted, childhood-ruining uncle who, after a bad run of luck at the dog track, occasionally shows up to rummage through our closets to find things to hock for his next fix; maybe it's just the exhaustion of being robbed, maybe it's that we're less protective of our toys as we age, whatever. So when we awoke to the news that Heathers, the beloved black comedy that taught us the best way to solve our high school problems was through creative homicide, is being revived for a TV treatment, our reaction was to resignedly throw open that closet door and point out the best stuff rather than lock ourselves inside and clutch our treasures to our chests while softly sobbing. To that end, Movieline is helpfully offering its suggestions on the casting of the series, hoping to speed along the project, giving us more time to prepare for the next time Uncle Hollywood finds himself a little short on cash.

Veronica Sawyer (originally portrayed by Winona Ryder)

Winona Ryder's Veronica is one of the most iconic characters in all of high-school-set cinema, a role that helped launch the actress into household-name stardom. So if we're going to find a credible stand-in, we're going to have to aim a little high, dream a little big, reach for the finest brand of hull cleaner under the kitchen sink. Let's lure Aubrey Plaza away from Parks & Recreation and ask her Funny People patron Judd Apatow to fit any movies he's developing for her into the Heathers hiatus schedule. We want to see Plaza sardonically plotting a couple of fatal "accidents," then hear her deadpan a complaint about how hard it is to clean brain matter out of a microfiber couch.

J.D. (Christian Slater)

A version of Slater's charmingly psychotic character already exists in primetime, albeit in a far wealthier, more ascot-flaunting form. That's right, kids: Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass. We'd even ask Fox to resist the temptation to butch him up a little for the part; these days, a pansexual, sneering, brandy-sipping J.D. is a lot more relevant than a Jack Nicholson-channeling rebel.

Back-up plan: the actual Christian Slater is gettable. Having J.D. be an older guy might put an interesting, if illegal, spin on his relationship with Veronica.

Heather Duke (Shannen Doherty)

The entire cast of The CW's 90210 are essentially Heathers, so we'll cherry-pick Jessica "Silver" Stroup for the TV revival. And Stroup's got the bonus of actually having worked with Shannen Doherty during her guest stint on the show's first season, so maybe Doherty regaled her protege with stories about shoulder-padded, high-haired good times they all enjoyed back in the late 80s that will prepare her for the part.

Heather Chandler (Kim Walker)

Do we need to raid the Gossip Girl cast again? Don't push us, because we will. Blake Lively, come on down and claim your red scrunchie! You'll be just fine as superbitch Heather Number One, who rules Westerburg High with an iron (but well-manicured) fist and an accomplished croquet game. With Ed Westwick dumping your show for this one and taking all the fun with him, you're going to want out, anyway. Who could put up with Waldorf and Humphrey without good ole Chuckles around?

Heather McNamara (Lisanne Falk)

Sadly, this role will be eliminated during development, following the network note, "Do there really have to be, like, three Heathers? That's, like, a lot of Heathers. Our testing shows anything more than two Heathers and the demo gets totally confused." Sorry, Heather McNamara, the focus groups have spoken.

Bonus Casting Lightning Round!

Pauline Fleming

Hung's Jane Adams

Martha Dumptruck:

"Oh, one more testing note. Overweight people on TV are. like, sad and depressing? Can Martha have the skinny kind of eating disorders instead? Besides, 90210 just beat us to the chubby girl thing", and we're not gonna take their table scraps."

Father Ripper

Special guest star Patton Oswalt.

Kurt and Ram

Dane Cook, in a challenging dual role.

Big Fun

Jimmy Eat World.