The New Moon Trailer is Lost in Translation

The actual English-language trailer for New Moon has been released, and I have to say, I actually preferred the French-dubbed bootleg. There, the mystifying choice to let Taylor Lautner narrate the entire clip was balanced out by his sophisticated French; in English, though, he simply sounds like an overzealous disc jockey. But hey! There's Dakota Fanning, right?

I do have to hand it to Summit -- despite Robert Pattinson's reduced role in New Moon, I figured the studio would flog his presence relentlessly. Instead, though, Summit's marketing campaign is doing its damnedest to make Lautner into another Robert Pattinson, only this one's Ken Doll smooth and when he takes his shirt off in your bedroom, it's not because he wants to "do it" -- it's because he's contract-mandated to show off the results of his workout regimen.

Still, I can't help but wish that Kristen Stewart had gotten to narrate the trailer instead. Juxtaposing the dramatic action scenes with Stewart's stammering, anxious hair-pulling, and muttered statements, "Uh, I love Taylor. I will, uh, slit the throat of anyone on Team Edward, uh, heh heh," would have stepped things up "a whole 'nother notch," as Lautner's so fond of saying.

VERDICT: "BELLA is in SUCH a DEEP DEPRESSION after Edward leaves. RISING up the CHARTS this weekend: Lady GAGA."