The Pre-Taped 2009 Emmys: A Sneak Preview

In order to reinvigorate a turgid, audience-shedding Emmys telecast, the TV Academy has announced a controversial decision to pre-tape the presentation of 8 of the ceremony's 28 awards (changes which are expected to disproportionately affect writers, directors, and cable networks) prior to the live show and run edited footage of these presentations during the live show, hoping to reclaim 12 to 15 precious moments of primetime for the networks who so selflessly donate their resources to the celebration of television's greatest talents. If all goes according to the Academy's plan, the show's ratings, lately in freefall, will surge, and the broadcast networks will wrest back some of the spotlight from basic-cable competitors who have too long been dominating the Emmys due to an unfair advantage in "quality" and "dedication to storytelling."

Confused about how this radical change to the show will play out? Movieline is here to show you what to expect when you half-heartedly flip over to CBS on the evening of Sept. 20th, hoping to get a glimpse of nominee Jon Hamm's jawline before quickly returning to your favorite multiple-birth-related docudrama on TLC.

September 20th, approximately 9:15 pm EST, CBS

The camera cuts to Emmys host Neil Patrick Harris, standing beneath a 20-foot-tall Emmy statue at stage left.

Harris: [riffing] That was so fantastic. Who couldn't love every top-10 American Idol finisher from the past eight seasons, here on our stage, singing "Don't Stop Believin'" together? Am I right? I really never get sick of that song. Look at Simon Baker in the front row, Mr. Mentalist is so loving it. [cut to Baker laughing and giving the thumbs up; cut back to Harris, now on Prompter] As some of you may know, the Television Academy presented some of our awards -- awards every bit as important as the ones we're doing up here on the stage -- before this live telecast, to ensure that each and every winner get proper recognition for their exemplary work creating the shows, miniseries, and made-for-television movies we all so love. Here now, the nominees for Outstanding Writing for a Miniseries, Movie, or Dramatic Special.

An 80-foot screen lowers to the stage from the rafters. A video plays. Harris stands before a door with a hand-written sign indicating "Writers Honor Hall." He pushes open the door, revealing a large bathroom where several tuxedo-clad men and a single woman in a stunning evening gown sit in folding chairs. As their names are read, a lone, hand-held camera zooms in on each nominee's annoyance-riddled face.

Harris: And the nominees are! David Simon, Generation Kill. Lieutenant Colonel Michael R. Strobel and Ross Katz, Taking Chance. Michael Sucsy and Patricia Rozema, Grey Gardens. Hugh Whitemore, Into the Storm. Are these all gonna be HBO? Just kidding, guys. Here's PBS. Andrew Davies, Little Dorrit. And the Emmy goes to: David Simon!

A production assistant rushes into the frame, handing Simon a statuette as Harris shakes his hand. As Simon opens his mouth to speak, the 80-foot-screen on the stage switches to an image of an Emmy. The lights go up on Harris, back at stage left.

Harris: That was such a great mini-series, y'all should check it out on DVD. [back on Prompter] What happens when a neurotic single dad and his precocious son move in with his outrageous, playboy uncle? Hilarity happens. And 15 million weekly viewers happen. Do you know how many times HBO and Showtime need to air a show to get that many viewers? Let's just say it's a lot of times. No, Two and Half Men isn't nominated for an Emmy this year, but the Emmys are also about celebrating what people love, and they love Charlie Sheen, Jon Cryer, and Angus Jones, right here on CBS. Join me in paying respect to the wildly successful Monday night schedule-mate to my show, the [coughing] Emmy-nominated How I Met Your Mother.

On the screen, the Emmy image gives way to the words "Five and a Half Minutes for Two and a Half Men: A Tribute to TV's Highest-Rated Comedy." We see an attractive woman straddling Charlie Sheen on a couch. As she peels off her sweater, Sheen mumbles "Slow down, slow down. I didn't even have time to kick off my flip-flops." He kicks one off...just as young Angus enters the room, catching the flip-flop in mid-air. "Nice catch, kid. Now scram, I've got some very important work to do."

Five and a half minutes later...

The lights once again go up on Harris.

Harris: That was great. [On Prompter] 15 million viewers. You're not going to get that on basic cable, am I right? On the other hand, what you will get on basic cable is Mad Men, the first of tonight's nominees for Outstanding Drama Series. [pauses for raucous applause from the audience] What is Mad Men, you ask, as you watch our ceremony in the comfort of a home that may or may not subscribe to cable TV, either because it's incredibly expensive or you're not sure you're ready for quote-unquote "edgier" content? Mad Men is the story of Don Draper, an amoral, sociopathetic advertising executive who killed a fellow soldier with his bare hands during the Korean War so that he could start over in his pursuit of the American Dream. A dream that, once attained, disillusions him to the point that he's willing to destroy his beautiful family while he selfishly pursues booze, women and money to fill the emptiness inside him. Anyway, here's a clip of your first nominee.

On the screen, the Mad Men logo appears and the first few notes of the theme play, but are replaced by a close-up of Jon Hamm's grim face. As the camera pulls back, we see his right arm is thrust up the hiked-up dress of a beautiful woman, whom he's pinning to the top of a table in a fancy restaurant bathroom's lounge area. Her eyes show a mix of fear and desire. The controversial season two clip abruptly ends and the lights go up on Harris on stage.

Harris: Dark, dark stuff. [cut to Jon Hamm in the audience, covering his face with his hand; cut back to Harris, on Prompter] Time for a commercial, but don't go anywhere! When we come back, a real treat, as we take a special Emmy look back at the CSI franchise's most horrifically mutilated corpses! Stay right there, gonna be great!

As we fade to commercial, a clip plays on the giant screen: David Caruso, in sunglasses, lifts a sheet covering a sun-bleached body laid out in the harsh Miami sun. Caruso whips off sunglasses, deadpanning, "Look like someone's got herself a hell of a tan."