Mel Gibson Under Non-Investigation for First-Degree T-Shirt Battery

The wheels of Hollywood justice, they turn fast! This morning, America was shocked to discover that this monster, this Mel Gibson monster, was under battery investigation for tearing open a man's shirt in a nightclub. All the better to examine his sugar pecs? But then, a twist!

Now, law enforcement sources are telling TMZ (I'm just gonna assign a macro to that sentence fragment, btw) that the accuser -- a photographer who claims the altercation occurred when he tried to take a picture of Gibson and girlfriend Oksana at Playhouse -- is making the story up and most likely tore the shirt himself.

Cops believe it was impossible for Gibson to have even made contact with him. They tell us Gibson was wedged in a booth with his pregnant girlfriend and couldn't have grabbed the guy's shirt.

Cops say witnesses tell the same story -- the guy is making up allegations of battery. No one saw his shirt ripped when he left the club.

Cops say it's a civil matter at best, and they don't expect to even interview Gibson.

This is a clear case of "Munchausen T-shirt by proxy syndrome." I saw it once, on Law and Order: SVU.

· Cops Call BS on Gibson 'Victim' [TMZ]