True Blood Recapped: Piggy Sex

Season 2 Episode 6: "Hard-Hearted Hannah"

We're at the Hotel Carmella (part of the Starwood Telepathic Resorts chain) in Dallas, where people are looting a counter of its True Blood swag -- giving me a serious Comic-Con flashback. (More on that later.) Eric is sucking on a bimbo's neck, when vampire Kara DioGuardi (aka Lorena) from the end of last episode saunters up and you find out Eric was the one who summoned her to Dallas.

As Bill sexes Sookie (wow -- I never noticed how nice a manicure Bill has, for a hundreds-year-old grave-dweller, that is), and they are interrupted at the door by Melania Trump, who offers up her human lover Hugo to play Sookie's fake-spouse for when she goes deep undercover to infiltrate the Empire of the Sun, or whatever the vampire-hating church is calling itself these days.

It turns out Lorena is Bill's ex; and more importantly, she's his maker, whom he hasn't seen in over 70 years. We flashback to Chicago 1926, where Bill is looking incredibly dashing with his hair slicked back, playing a ditty at a grand piano. Lorena is there, with a French accent, and she approaches a couple who look like the King of Queens and Tori Spelling. She propositions them. (You know what this scene needs? Catherine Zeta-Jones!) Bill approaches and introduces himself as Guillaume.

Sam and Daphne are lying naked on the Merlotte's pool table, and he asks her about the pterodactyl scars on her back. Daphne says she was taken from behind, and had no idea what got her. Sam declares Daphne the "most amazing person I've ever met," then violates her with a pool cue. No, just kidding. They share tender talk and kisses on the chalky green felt.

Things are a bit awkward between Jason and Sarah post handjob. He and Jealous Luke are asked by Steve to construct a big cross and platform for a Meet the Sun ceremony. It's a public vampire execution in which they chain a vampire to a cross and wait for sun up, then the vampire bursts into flames and everyone makes S'mores! Funzies!

Tara and Eggs hit the open road to find a part to fix the broke water heater at Sookie's. He suddently has a Déjà Eggs moment, and instructs Tara to pull over the car and wanders off.

Over at Merlotte's, Detective Andy grills Lafayette, noting that he's "lost some of your pizazz" since he disappeared and came back. This leads to an argument over gay cruises, and how much pizazz they do or don't add to one's general comportment. (I have to say, Detective Andy's pizazz theories are right on the money.) Terry barges in and castigates Andy for bullying Lafayette, then takes a shaken, non-pizazzy Lafayette into his short-order-cook's embrace and tells him everything will be all right. Out in the restaurant, Jessica-loving Hoyt confronts his mom for cutting off his long-distance usage to keep in touch with his new undead girlfriend.

As Luke and Jason build the vampire bonfire, they discuss Luke's three years of celibacy. Luke lays out the various levels of sex sin: first there comes sex with the opposite sex out of wedlock, then sex with someone else's wife, then sex with a vampire, then sex with someone of the same sex, and, finally, sex with a gay vampire is the worst of all. So basically, Kelly Preston is f**ked.

Sookie and Hugo make their big move: They introduce themselves to Sarah and tell them they'd interested in joining a church.

Back in 1920s Chicago, Bill shows a jerky side, making King of Queens watch as he eats Tori Spelling to death. Then Kara DioGuardi breaks King's neck, Bill tears of Tori's necklace as her neck gushes blood and gives it to Lorena, and they have sex in a torrent of Tori's blood. Gory! Edgy! HBO isn't television, it's really, really unsafe sex!

Eggs finds a bloody rock and realizes he's been guided to a place where something horrible happened. Daphne turns into a pig, and goes down on Sam. Sookie and Hugo get the grand tour by Rev. Steve, and are led down a long basement staircase. Something isn't right -- they're grabbed by Steve! He's going to do something harmful, like make S'mores off their burning corpses! Bill senses something is wrong, but Lorena pins him in his hotel room. (She's more powerful than him, since she's his maker.)

Eggs and Tara stumble up on a full on naked orgy in a field, as Maryann vibrates in the center. Some really bad kettle-drumming going on in the background. Hoyt shows up in person at the Dallas hotel, and Jessica holds back the blood-tears.

Jason wanders into the church, to tell them the platform is done, totally unaware that his sister is in the basement being God-knows-what-ed by Steve. He finds Sarah crying, who tells him "Steve's not the man I thought he was." She admits to Jason that all the recruits are being trained to "start a war." She seduces Jason AGAIN, telling him God wants them to do it, then starts smushing Jason's pecs with her hands. Jason goes for it.

Then Daphne, de-pigged, totally turns on Sam. It's a setup! He's dragged to the black-eyed field-orgy, and a scary bull mask is placed on Maryann's head as they angle on a ceremonial sacrificial dagger of some sort. Sam screams, "Noooooo!"

END OF EPISODE!

Now, as for True Blood at Comic-Con, the show hosted a series of happy hours in San Diego, where you could get wasted on free Fangbanger cocktails -- garnished with plastic fangs -- and pose with Bill himself. Looks like the Ultimate Sin of All is about to make its way to Bon Temps!