Facelifts, Freeloading Daughters, Cavernous Ladyparts Among Popular Topics at Joan Rivers Roast

Studio 10 on CBS's Studio City lot last night was transformed into a Theater of War, with scantily clad MGD girls keeping the pitchers of lo-carb beer flowing as the stage erupted into a four-hundred-foot mushroom cloud of insult comedy, each pre-emptive nuclear zinger more devastating than the next. Yes, last night was the Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers -- and Movieline was there.

Literally no topic was out of bounds as an expert mercenary squad -- the Inglourious Basterds of attack-comedy -- took out the woman whose most recent claim to fame was to describe her Celebrity Apprentice competition as being "worse than Hitlah! ... Pokah playahs are trash, darlin'. TRASH."

That meant about 12,000 jokes about plastic surgery, or, rather, When Plastic Surgery Goes Bad. Here's a sample riff from comedian Greg Giraldo, whose brilliant, relentless set opened the roast and set a bar most who followed had trouble reaching:

Other popular Joan topics: Her ever-present, profession-indeterminate daughter Melissa, whom roasters were quick to turn on even though they'd been given orders from the network that she was off-limits. Of her talents, Brad Garrett observed: "They say lighting never strikes twice. And it didn't." They even went after Edgar, Joan's first husband who committed suicide, with veteran roaster Jeffrey Ross noting, "She's such a perfectionist, she read his suicide note and insisted on another draft." Ross later claimed one of the lines of the night when he called Rivers "so old, her vagina has a separate entrance for black people." He also said of Brad Garrett: "It must have been pretty hard getting your head so far up Ray Romano's ass with those bolts sticking out of your neck."

Comedy legend Carl Reiner was on hand, now 87 and the target for several jabs of the "too bad he wasn't here to see this"-variety. Garrett called him so old, "He's watching this in black and white." Reiner's set was endearingly addled and fumbling, though he recalled how on The Dick Van Dyke show, the Hayes Code was so strict they couldn't even say the word "pregnant." He then relished diving into such profanity as "fuck," "shit," "cocksucker," and, for his big finish, "cunt."

Longtime Howard Stern sidekick Robin Quivers took quite a few hits, including, "If it wasn't for Howard Stern, the only thing you'd be saying into a microphone is 'Welcome to Popeye's, can I take your order?'" She also found herself on the receiving end of a brutal riff from show-closer Gilbert Gottfried, who described her sexually abusive father closing his eyes and imagining her prettier sister when he forced himself on her.

Yes -- it went there. Every cringe was followed with a belly laugh. One can only imagine where it would have gone if roast favorite Lisa Lampanelli had been on hand. Her absence was missed, but according to her Twitter, it was because Rivers had requested Kathy Griffin as Roast Master: "No Joan Rivers roast for me this year. Not worth doing if I ain't roastmaster -- besides summer is for fun, not work." Sour grapes? Pretty much.

Griffin, meanwhile, who bills herself as an insult comic, didn't really shine last night, probably because the muck-flinging got just a little too ugly. She's a comic who needs to be the center of attention, and in control of the attacks. As much as she tried to take things in stride, when the jokes turned to her -- "Paper or plastic?" asked Garrett, in reference to what sort of bag one would require to have sex with her -- you could tell they penetrated a little too close to the bone.

Compare that to Joan, an icon and battlehorse who earned every comic's sincere admiration, without fail, at the end of their sets. Joan is tougher than Griffin, and proved it when she finally took the dais. After eviscerating each comic individually -- saving particular venom for the beautiful Whitney Cummings, who had a strong set but who Rivers clearly felt was way out of her weight class to be flinging insults at a legend -- she then launched into a patriotic speech, replete with the unfurling of a giant flag behind her, in which she delivered Obama-worthy oratory on how much America needs her.

And it does. It really does.