Zooey Deschanel's Man-Child Love Interests: A User's Guide

Zooey Deschanel has long been something of an emo-dork wet dream for more than just her striking features, lilting voice and commanding screen presence. Since her 2003 breakthrough All the Real Girls, she has emerged as one of cinema's preeminent man-child foils -- an idealized romantic counterpoint to a roster of young, mopey, quirky, vulnerable men whose paths to self-actualization travel directly through her (and, usually, her character's vagina). This week's (500) Days of Summer is only slightly different, featuring Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a slight twist on the boy-meets-Zooey folklore.

Considering how difficult it can often be to parse this phenomenon -- with its emotionally stunted love interests, sidekicks, family and other variables of masculine inertia -- Movieline offers the following aid to help learn how we got here and determine where we (and Miss Deschanel) might be headed next:

· All the Real Girls (2003)

Who: Paul (Paul Schneider), a sensitive, brooding North Carolinian still living with his mother, struggling with his love for beautiful young Noel -- not coincidentally, the only woman in town (besides his mother) whom he hasn't slept with.

Her mating call: "Why haven't you ever kissed me?"

His lament: (in response) "I'm scared."

Quirks: Performs with mother in clown shows for ill children; dirt-track stock-car racing in his mom's underperforming hatchback.

Sidekick(s): Meandering group of old school buddies, including Noel's older brother Tip (Shea Whigham) and the mulleted, barely sentient Bust-Ass (Danny McBride).

What he's up against: Her self-mutilation streak; his own male-slut reputation and subsequent classification "in every girl's history book as the asshole ex-boyfriend"; Tip's strong disapproval; Bust-Ass's waterbed.

Their chemistry (on 1-10 scale, 10 = perfect): 8. They're smitten and almost perfectly calibrated to explode at the same time.

Odds of working out: 40 percent. Assuming he can get over her pixie haircut and that whole drunkenly-banged-another-guy-on-vacation thing.

· Elf (2003)

Who: Buddy (Will Ferrell), the sensitive, not-so-brooding, adopted human son of Santa Claus's eldest elf. He soon sets off to New York on a mission to find his real father, landing a seasonal gig at Gimbel's alongside cute fellow helper Jovie.

Her mating call: "I'm free Thursday."

His lament: "I feel really warm around you. And my tongue swells up."

Quirks: Intimate knowledge of Santa Claus and life on the North Pole; tendency to wear his elf get-up 24/7.

Sidekick(s): Michael (Daniel Tay), his 10-year-old half-brother who's taken a liking to him and provides the motivation to ask Jovie on a date.

What he's up against: Lack of any experience with women, a byproduct of the crippling daddy issues afflicting him until his cold-hearted publisher father Walter Hobbs (James Caan) finally comes around. Not to mention the minor issue of the restraining order held against him by Gimbel's seasonal Santa (Artie Lange).

Their chemistry: 6, on the rare occasions when writer David Berenbaum and director Jon Favreau welcome her into the actual plot.

Odds of working out: 50 percent. Married with a daughter in 97 minutes flat (elves work fast!), but half of North Pole marriages end in divorce, so hey.

· Flakes (2007)

Who: Neal Downs (Aaron Stanford), a sensitive, brooding New Orleans cereal bar manager who battles with girlfriend Pussy Katz over his stunted rock n' roll career.

Her mating call: (faux-resisting intimacy) "Why Mr. Downs! That would leave me in my altogethers!"

His lament: (regarding his music) "I can't just rush it and turn out, like, some lame-ass shit!"

Quirks: Encyclopedic knowledge of cereal history; determination to live on the road with girlfriend in tricked-out Airstream trailer.

Sidekick(s): Pajama-wearing, hippie-burnout cereal-bar owner Willie (Christopher Lloyd); hyperactive halfwit air-drummer Skinny Larry (Ryan Donowho).

What he's up against: Her refusal to enable his fear of failure; her support of a rival cereal establishment, hoping Flakes will close and Neal will return to his musical pursuits.

Their chemistry: 6. Why would an artist and fashionista named Miss Pussy Katz put up with this much whining?

Odds of working out: 75 percent. The couple that pops toe knuckles together stays together. Or something.

· The Good Life (2008)

Who: Jason Prayer (Mark Webber), a sensitive, brooding Nebraskan who runs into the mysterious, beautiful Frances one night while working at his slowly dying neighborhood movie house.

Her mating call: "I'll have one ticket for The Harvey Girls."

His lament: "They say when your dad dies, a piece of you dies with him. But what about the pieces he leaves behind? How do they die? Who kills them?"

Quirks: Hideous wig required because of immunodeficiency disorder that has caused his hair to fall out.

Sidekick(s): Directionless service-station attendant Andrew (Patrick Fugit); dementia-addled Gus (Harry Dan Stanton), the manager of the movie theater where he'sworked since high school.

What he's up against: Frances's Wizard of Oz complex; her prodigious subjection to Nebutol, Sembutol and electroshock therapy. Also: His own life-threatening torment by an inexplicably violent ex-jock classmate (Chris Klein).

Their chemistry: 3. Once you've bonded over family torment and Christmas lights, what's left?

Odds of working out: 5 percent. He flees and she disappears, but there are only so many psych wards where these two can wind up. A spunkier reunion may actually find theatrical release next time.

· Gigantic (2009)

Who: Brian Weathersby (Paul Dano), a sensitive, brooding 28-year-old upscale mattress salesman in Brooklyn with a growing crush on rich-girl Harriet Lolly.

Her mating call: "Can you see up my skirt?" And later: "Do you want to have sex with me?"

His lament: "I was attacked by a homeless man."

Quirks: Likes to go on family retreats to woods, get high and go shroom-farming with his father (Ed Asner) and more successful older brothers; his lifelong dream to adopt a Chinese baby.

Sidekick(s): University scientist Larry (Brian Avers), who offers relationship advice between studies of libidos in mice.

What he's up against: Her absentee mother and inextricability from dominating, physically addled father (John Goodman); his own paranoid schizophrenia

Their chemistry: 3. They never kiss or so much as connect in any meaningful way that doesn't include sex in a station wagon or a protracted break-up scene. They can't even make skinny-dipping in a college swimming pool sexy.

Odds of working out: 50 percent, assuming he can keep his demons in check and she likes adopted Asian orphans.

· (500) Days of Summer (2009)

Who: Tom Hansen (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), a sensitive, brooding, greeting card writer in Los Angeles struggling to get over his relationship with Summer Finn.

Her mating call: "The Smiths? I love the Smiths!"

His lament: "People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated."

Quirks: Fondness for drunken karaoke; studying and sketching local architecture; post-coital musical set pieces featuring animated birds.

Sidekick(s): Emotionally stunted co-worker and confidant MacKenzie (Geoffrey Arend); little sister Rachel (Chloe Moretz), whose sage advice culminates in the admonishment, "Don't be a pussy."

What he's up against: Summer's non-committal and refusal to believe in love; his own denial over their break-up.

Their chemistry: 9. You, too, will wish it had worked out for both of them.

Chance of working out: Zero percent, unless its on the rebound from her sudden marriage to another man.