The 6 Most Thrilling Moments In The Entourage Season 6 Premiere!

I have, on a good Sunday night, a complicated relationship with Entourage: though I've experienced diminishing levels of joy from watching the show since its (quite excellent) second year, there it sits on the DVR list, taunting me with disappointing season after disappointing season, defying me to delete it and move on with my life. (Truth be told, I did try and delete it at one point, but the DVR, having achieved HBO-sponsored sentience, threw up window after window of warnings like, "Are you SURE you want to delete Entourage? Everyone at the agency will be talking about that graphic insult Ari made about Lloyd's sexual preference around the coffee maker tomorrow morning!" and, "Hey, not so fast! We hear Harrison Ford is going to make a cameo in episode six and good-naturedly lampoon how terrible the last Indiana Jones movie was, while smoking weed out of a crystal skull in a hot tub with Drama and a tranny Drama doesn't know is a tranny! Don't miss that!")

But somehow I never muster the will to consign the Entourage gang to TiVo turnaround, and my viewership continues for another cycle of Vince being briefly confronted with the prospect he'll be a slightly dimmer star in the Hollywood firmament, complications that are inevitably dispatched by a round of triumphant high-fives and clinking champagne glasses backgrounded by a stunning vista of the city no more difficult for him to conquer than a Hummer limo full of nymphomaniac sorority girls on their way to an Aquaman fan convention.

Rather than present an exhaustive blow-by-blow of last night's sixth season premiere (you all have HBO, you know what happened), I've decided to pick out the six most thrilling moments from the show. Though Entourage is often unfairly besmirched by accusations that nothing classifiable as dramatic conflict ever really happens, we think these highlights will prove that perception wrong. Deliciously, Parallel-parkingly, Meadow-schtuppingly wrong. (At least for one week.)

1. The Guys Tease Eric About How Many Chicks He's Nailing!

This is how you know that the producers are fully committed to fleshing out their characters: E, the hustling, sexless leprechaun usually too busy refilling Vince's continually depleted pot o' gold to pursue his own romantic needs, is now on a run of carnal success that rivals that of a Shampoo-era Warren Beatty. "Dude, you get soooo much p*ssy! That is crazy!" teases Drama. "I'm surprised Little E doesn't check into Cedars Sinai for exhaustion!" mocks Turtle. "Not cool, man, this show's supposed to be about all the sad, fame-obsessed tail I'm getting," wheedles Vince. E, ever modest, merely blushes. Yes, he has been getting laid constantly since the end of season five. But this might be the year that his penis becomes so successful that it attracts its own entourage. (At least until he settles down with Sloan.)

2. Vince Rats Out His Crooked Driving Instructor On Jay Leno!

Having already seen Vince's disastrous driving test -- not since the egg-scrambling vehicular tragedy of The Brady Bunch has a television character fared so miserably on the DMV's closed, pylon-riddled deathcourse -- Vince arrives on the set of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, (no, the producers didn't bother to do it with Conan, even though it was announced almost five years ago that Leno would be out by now), armed with an amusing anecdote about how he used a couple of premiere tickets to bribe his way to a license. Those of you expecting this announcement of DMV corruption to pay off later*, either in the form of a dangerous, freshly sh*tcanned driving tester seeking vengeance or a license-revoking threat to Vince's upcoming role as Enzo Ferrari, have obviously not spent much time in the consequence-free fantasia that is Entourage, where a funny story is just a funny story! The only surprising thing is that Leno didn't present Hollywood's most adorable, newly licensed driver with 10 cars from his vintage automobile fleet. Or that Vince did not hump a comely Tonight Show talent-wrangler in his dressing room before the segment.

[*I will allow for the possibility that this may pay off in a later episode. But come on, probably not, right?]

3. Ari Makes Lloyd Endure The 100-Day Agent Boot Camp!

The always-trusty Lloyd, apparently sensing a troubling career plateau after five seasons on Ari Gold's desk, demands a promotion to full-fledged agent. He will quit if he's not promoted! Go ahead and quit, you're useless to me anyway! bluffs Ari. Hold on, you're not going to answer that ringing phone for 30 seconds? This changes things! Go wait on my doorstep for a humiliatingly long amount of time, where I will play tough but finally capitulate -- but only after I torture you for 100 days of agent-training! Which includes a diet, for some reason, possibly because I was just on the cover of Men's Fitness! This, of course, is a far less onerous path to agentdom then the ones endured by Mike Ovitz's assistants in his heyday, who legendarily had to survive 100 consecutive days of being stabbed in the face before earning their Armani wings. Lloyd's got it easy, other than the constant mocking of what makes him happy in life.

4. E and Vince Talk About E Moving Out Of Vince's Mansion!

A too-good-to-pass-up opportunity to wriggle out of Vince's codependent, rent-free embrace has presented itself. Finally, after much running around before his boss-bestie's back, E and V need to have The Talk. "So I think I'm gonna go live in another house, by myself, not even with Turtle," says E. "That's cool, I'll put on a brave face for a minute and pretend I'm not secretly devastated you don't want to live in a 15,000 square-foot mansion, for free, with your doe-eyed broulmate. No biggie," sniffs Vince, though you know he's hurting inside.

5. Turtle takes a bubble bath!

Meanwhile, Turtle smokes dope in a bath tub with girlfriend Meadow Soprano (their relationship has survived the hiatus, it seems), and there are bubbles in the bath, to accentuate just how amazing and decadent his life is at this juncture. At no point does Drama's head suddenly break through the bubbles for a one of his signature c*ck-blocking moments of comic relief, even though he has virtually nothing else happening in the premiere, and we sort of think he'd demand to be involved in any bath-related activities Turtle engages in with attractive celebrities.

6. Vince returns to an empty house!

Vince returns, alone, to an empty, darkened mansion (a 15,000-square-foot metaphor for the loneliness of fame! Probably!), and we see that perhaps he is not as brave as he let E believe during their earlier heart-to-heart. Without a Hollywood compound bustling with the happy sounds of childhood pals ripping bong hits, enjoying the reverse-cowgirling attentions of sad groupies, and cooking fun snacks in a kitchen bigger than his mom's house back in Queens, why even bother being the biggest movie star in the world, at times? And so Vince slumps into the lonely, inky darkness, the credits roll, and he orders up three high-end lady escorts to put on his buddies' clothes, make him some pancakes, then spend the rest of the evening filling his home with the joyous noise of companionship.