Julie Chen Welcomes Big Brother 11 House Guests With Super Wedgies

Big Brother fandom is a dangerous compulsion that begins innocently with a TiVo mix-up: you wanted Dateline NBC but instead you're stuck with 12 attention-starved stereotypes, painting their toenails and discussing why Christian guys are hot. This quickly escalates into a three episode a week habit and pretty soon you've quit your job and are stealing neighbors' electric guitars to support your 24/7 Big Brother live feed subscription, which you also live-blog on the BB message boards with thousands of other addicts.

It may seem romantic at first, but it turns you into a monster, unhappy until you get that next unexplainable meltdown by the pool or under the sheets make out session. I am not here to judge, because I too am a Big Brother addict. I have years worth of lovingly handwritten BB recaps locked away in a Van Nuys storage locker and am glad that I can finally share my recaps with the Movieline community. BB addicts, this is your safe space.

Season 11 kicks off with Julie Chen, wearing a fierce, one-shouldered dress, explaining that this summer's cast will be cruelly divided into high school cliques by the producers. Julie obeys Big Brother premiere tradition by reiterating the BB slogan "expect the unexpected" and then references her pregnancy. This isn't about you, Julie.

We're given a speedy tour of the new house where 52 cameras and 80 microphones wait, ready to record every uninspired musing. The strangest bedroom is indoor pool themed, complete with decorative waterslide, beach towels and wall-to-wall tiling. No word on whether this season will have a backyard Jack-Shack.

Back to Julie, as she introduces the impending clique-ifications: Athletes, Popular, Brainy and Offbeat. Offbeat is presumably the dump group for anyone gay, strangely pierced or able to lactate on command.

Next, we are introduced to the housemates and their defining characteristics:

Gamer's Paradise Ronnie vaguely resembles the Asian kid from Up and enjoys jamming out to Rock Band. Every introductory shot we see of him involves his computer - his Big Brother key is stashed on his computer keyboard, he says "this gamer is going to crack the code to the Big Brother House" and then he inexplicably points out the processor and cooling fan on his computer. So wait, what clique will he fall into?

Chicago Boy Jeff tosses the football around with spiked hair. He packs his football and his gel.

Jordan Grits is a southern sorority type whose code word for sex (booger) is really annoying.

Tae Kwon Do Liar Natalie lives for the Korean martial art and has serious trophies to prove it.

Gay Kevin is a homosexual graphic designer who wears lilac scarves and feistily declares that he is "going to drag, click and crop the competition."

Bongwater Braden spends his days surfing and resembles Spicoli, a resemblance not lost on anyone except for Braden. He declares "Surfing is better than sex. Mother nature doesn't uh, talk back."

Neuroscientist Michelle is homely, married and smart.

Chima (real name) is a freelance journalist and the only African American in this cast.

Agro Russell is a mixed-martial arts fighter with rock-hard abs and shaved head, who hopes to treat some of the girls to "Russell the love muscle."

Laura DD is a bikini model with the wildest implants in Big Brother history.

Inky Lydia is a bisexual, heavily tattooed makeup artist.

Old Guy (real name Casey) teaches fifth graders during the day and DJ's at night. What he lacks in youth, he makes up for in faux-diamond earrings, a goatee and fedora. He readily ditches his son on the eve of his first birthday for the chance to win $500,000.

Cut to the house guests on the stoop of the Big Brother pad. Bongwater sizes the house up as "superdeluscious" and says something about "sexual chocolate" that I didn't understand. Grits, Chicago Boy, Neuroscientist and Inky are the last to claim beds and are shafted with the splish splash room. But wait, there are only three beds. Neuroscientist says she would gladly share with Chicago Boy, if only she wasn't married.

The contestants pop open the bubbly and huddle for the obligatory intro session. Neuroscientist downplays her braininess by posing as a research assistant. Tae Kwon Do Liar tells the cast she is 18, instead of her real age, 24 so that people consider her less of a threat. Gay Kevin calls her out ("You can talk to me about your real age, OK?") before suggesting the group discusses Laura DD's elephant-sized implants in the room. Gay Kevin will go there, guys.

Julie informs the house guests of their impending clique-ification, and that the Head of Household's clique will be safe from eviction each week. To find out who is in what subgroup (as if it wasn't obvious), everyone files into the artificial backyard to discover a locker-room themed torture device, crafted out of metal beams and 12 suspended toilet seats, one for each contestant.

The cliques are:

Brainy - Neuroscientist, Gamers' Paradise and Chima

Athletes - Chicago Boy, Agro and Tae Kwon Do Liar

Popular - Bongwater, Laura DD and Grits

Offbeat - Gay, Inky, Old Guy

Julie instructs the house guests to "step into your underwear and grab your toilet seat" and explains the rules of this week's challenge, The Wedgie. All house guests are raised into the air by their cable-reinforced briefs and clutch their toilet seat as long as they can. The last person holding onto their TS will win a week of immunity for their team and will not be crowned HOH because (Game-changer!) there will be a surprise 13th contestant.

As everyone hangs onto their toilet-seat-sized dignity, we are introduced to four previous cast members (that the house guests do not see) who have been grouped by cliques also. If his/her team wins The Wedgie Challenge, they will be welcomed back into the Big Brother household and have another shot at $500K.

The past cast members are:

Cowboy from Big Brother 5 (representing Offbeat)

Jessica from Big Brother 8 (representing Popular)

Big Ego Brian from Big Brother 10 (representing Brainy)

Beefcake Jessie from Big Brother 10 (representing Athlete)

The four of them recount how they just missed winning their respective season's Big Brother. Beefcake Jessie gloats that he is "bigger and better than last year by 20 LB's and almost a whole inch on my guns." Cowboy also looks to be bigger by 20 LB's and at least an inch on his gut.

By now, a couple people have dropped from their Wedgies and Julie Chen announces (in a clip that will hopefully be included on her reel) that it is time for Super Wedgies! Each of the four previous cast members assign a team of their choice 30 seconds of bouncing in their underwear seat for maximum wedgie potential.

No one is surprised that the Brains are the first team to fall completely. Tragically for Cowboy and his belt buckle, the Offbeaters fall next. Another Super Wedgie is given to the remaining Toilet Seat Hangers but the Athletes and the Popular hold strong. Tae Kwon Do Liar talks a little trash to her competitors. Bongwater tells the Athletes that "Two of you is like half of me."

In spite of these fighting words, Bongwater falls and the Athletes win. Beefcake grabs his dufflebag and and runs into the house to met the house guests. We hear stunned "Oooohs" from behind the front door and -- that's it!

Can you believe it? We have to wait until Sunday to see who Beefcake nominates for eviction. Stay strong, fellow BB addicts.