Jon and Kate Plus 8: Where Is The Love?

By the end of last night's somber season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8, tweens across America were tweeting divorce predictions, estranged family members were crying boycott, and the single females of eastern PA had selected their halter tops for this weekend's Jon Gosselin-sponsored bar crawl. With all signs and fans pointing to divorce, the only question remaining is: How will J&K+8 producers fill the remaining 45 (!) episodes slated for Season 5?

For Jon & Kate super-fans who pray at the altar of Cara-Mady-Alexis-Hannah-Aaden-

Collin-Leah-Joel, the entire extended episode announced the dissolution of their favorite television household. From the new intro, which whacked most of the previous narration about what makes the Gosselins a family, to the final moments of silence after a producer asks the unresponsive parents what might happen with their marriage, the future seems bleak for TLC's cash cow couple.

Jon and Kate, who conducted separate interviews (testimonies?) for the first time during the show, defended themselves with varying degrees of enthusiasm. Kate responded fervently to tabloid accusations about her time away from home, her need for a silver-fox security detail and Jon's growing resentment towards her. Jon answered by forming a giant "W" with his thumbs and offering his characteristically clipped explanations ("I don't care who believes me. I know what I know"), slumped posture and a fresh uneven tanburn that suggested a few months of hard living.

However hopeless Jon and Kate seemed, the Gosselin children pulled us through. The sextuplets celebrated their fifth birthday, a milestone that portends less on-camera crying, with a party planned by Kate (Jon fled town for the party prep). Dressed in matching outfits, the kids entertained school friends in moonbounces while the paparazzi circled. Even Mady (pictured), the poster child for angsty misbehaved multiples everywhere, seems to have accepted her (possibly inevitable) "responsible older child of divorce" role by helping her mother put together party bags.

One child's sudden helpfulness won't turn a marriage around and we're not sure J&K even want to right the ship. Over the hour-plus episode, they never mentioned couples therapy or used vague phrases like "working on it" or "taking it day by day." Instead, Kate repeatedly cited her mounting anger and Jon sunk deeper into the confessional couch. There are many possible directions for this season, but hopefully they integrate some of the happier episodes ("The Twins Get Haircuts" or "Aaden Has A Playdate") with the controversy-heavy content, sort of the way that another bizarre show, The X-Files, would drop in a Smoking Man appearance to break up the lighter monster-of-the-week episodes. But if it's forty-and-change half-hours of the Gosselin children splitting time between Mom's McMansion and Dad's depressing room at the Ramada by the airport, it's unlikely we'll be along for the ride.