Suzi Barett Hates L.A.
· Local L.A. comedian and actress Suzi Barett put together this video letter to a friend thinking about moving to the big city, and in doing so has tapped into thousands of frustrated Angeleno psyches. It's like the travelogue equivalent of rooting through your closet and screaming to no one in particular how you have nothing to wear. Goddamn hilarious viral videos.
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· Nikki Finke is outraged -- outraged! -- over a leaked preview of Jon Peters' upcoming memoirs. "In all my time covering Hollywood," she sobs, between cutting-and-pasting giant portions of the not-that-exciting proposal into her blog, "I have never read a more vile betrayal of everyone and everything in Hollywood by a showbiz figure than this proposal." What did he do?? Let's take a peek at the offending material: "For example, not one, but two, of Jon's girlfriends called him from Washington on two separate occasions whispering the breathless news: 'I just fucked the President.'"
Oh. My. God. Kim Basinger and Barba Streisand fucked George W. Bush. I take it all back. Let's meet at the Farmer's Market parking lot for an old-fashioned proposal-burning.
· Here's not your run-of-the-mill Idol story: So perfectly sane Idol fan Janice Thibodeaux was so upset when she saw Simon Cowell mock-choking Paula Abdul on TV (didn't the cameras cut away from that?), she managed to score a ticket to the finale, hunt down Simon's ex-girlfriend Terri Seymour, and choke her right back. Until cops tackled her and threw her in jail, where she's currently being held on $52,703.
This is what I have to say to that:
· Michael Moore will next turn his cameras onto the -- anyone, anyone? -- that's right, the global economic meltdown, aka Fahrenheit 401k.
· Mars has introduced its first candy bar in 30 years. It's called Fling, and it's clearly geared towards the female market, who are supposed to eat it with their vaginas. I think. The commercial confused me.
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Comments
The non-ironic version-
Fuckin' smog that burns your fuckin' throat and eyes!
Fuckin' people who can't leave the house without looking like they are on the cover of a goddamn magazine!
SonofaBitch gangbangers who shoot you in the head for no fuckin' reason!
Jerk-face homeless people who ask for change nicely then glare at you with fuckin' hatred when you say no!
Craphead legless midgets on skateboards who have more friends than you goddamn do!
Fuckin' agents who do coke in the agency bathroom when you are in a fuckin' hurry to take a fuckin' dump!
Bullshit comedians who fuckin' take comedy more seriously than the fuckin' Pope takes fuckin' religion.
Fuckin' actors who will suck a cock to win a sack race!
Fuckin' porn actors who make a fuckin' living by fuckin'! FUCK THEM!
Goddamn foreigners who can't fuckin' speak english and yet they work at fuckin' Burger King where I want it my fuckin' way!
Fuckin' people who goddamn repeat themselves over and over and over!
Fuckin' first-time directors who want you to fuckin' volunteer to be in their fucked up movie! Get some money you fuckin' jackass!!
Muthafuckin' shut-in writers who don't leave the fuckin' house and drink scotch all fuckin' day and still fuckin' make more goddamn money that you fuckin' do!
Fuckin' people who goddamn repeat themselves over and over and over!
Fuckin' people who just fuckin' moved to fucked up LA and expect you to fuckin' save them!
Shit for Brains fuckin' web-sites which allow Shit for Brains commenters to leave Shit for Brains comments about fuckin' Shit for Brains celebrities they'll never fuckin' be allowed even fuckin' close to!
Fuckin' miserable asshole people like me!
Fuckin' people who goddamn repeat themselves over and over and over!
'nuff said and GOODNIGHT!
At first I thought this was brilliant until I realized it's just lure for every other idiot in America who thinks LA is the "Land of enchantment."
Shame on you, Suzi.
Sorry for the short post. Gotta go to my job running casting interviews for new women interested in doing porn.
Thank you Movieline....You have now given a name to the face I have hated oh so much for the last few months.
1. That gal's a demure delicate little flower.
2. I heard the new title for Jon Peters' book is going to be: I Slept With Streisand, I Earned That Credit!
3. The wannabe Idol strangler is currently making a video about how fucking shitty it is in the LA County lockup.
4. And with Bush no longer available to make films about Michael Moore will be on next season's installment of Dancing With The Stars.
5. Fling is the only candy bar that requires batteries.
Yes, this was funny, but you know what is definitely not funny? THOSE GODDAMN 1-800-DENTIST ADS. WHEN WILL THAT GODDAMN ELEVATOR SNAP A CORD AND EXPLODE IN FIERY DEATH?
Here's my question about Fling: Why in God's name is it packaged like a box of tampons?????
Wow. Fling has "FDA-approved" sparkles in it, so it makes your poo shiny. And it's currently only for sale in California. Something else that Suzi can rant about!
You should consider a different medium, perhaps a video as well. Text rants aren't your forte.
I think Suzi's video is a fucking riot.
Fuck you!
Are people getting all of the Netherlands references here? She used to be a comedian with Boom Chicago in Amsterdam, and this video is directed to a friend who's thinking of "leaving Boom".
That explains some of the specific "complaints," like a lack of an 'ij' tile in Scrabble, banks in English, lack of horsemeat at the supermarket, warm water from a bathroom faucet, inability to study your poop in the toilet, etc.