Six Burning Questions For Tonight's Idol Finale Face-Off

With Part One of the American Idol final face-off just hours away, the very fate of the karaokiverse lies in your calloused and exhausted dialing fingers. Will it be the vision-impaired one with the pouffy hair, or the gay Puerto Rican? Only God truly knows. And Danny Gokey. (Because he's friends with God.) In the meantime, I thought I'd answer a few burning questions.

1. Which dress will Paula wear?

Answer: Not even Paula can answer this. Just hours ago she tweeted that she had three to choose from, but couldn't make up her mind. When in doubt, Paula, go with the cleavage-enhancing animal print, paired with accessories that look like caveman medical instruments hanging off leather strings.

2. What lyric will Kara DioGuardi slip by producers in "No Boundaries," the Idol single she co-penned?

Answer: "And if you set your mind to it / You know you can do it / Just reach for the stars / Bite me, Paula, you dried-up old pill-hooooooound..."

3. Who the hell let Steve Martin and his banjo into the building?

Answer: We have no idea, but this could confuse things even more than the time Neil Diamond showed up to baffle Idol's tween fanbase with his Metamucilized rock.

4. Which of the following rumored duets can propose the biggest logistics problems: Kris Allen with Keith Urban. Allison Iraheta with Cyndi Lauper. Danny Gokey with Lionel Richie.

Answer: No question Gokey/Richie, whose choreographed reenactment of the "Hello" video will reach heretofore unmatched levels of tastelessness when Gokey walks out Scott MacIntyre to "touch see" Richie's plasticiney face.

5. Is Michael Jackson really going to perform at the finale?

Answer: It's a definite possibility. They devoted a week to his music, and he has his big 50-date gig at London's 02 arena coming up. Working against the rumor: Michael Jackson has had a salad-plate-sized hole where his face used to be for several years now, and that might look scary on the giant screens at the Nokia.

6. Oh my gosh, did you feel the earth move just now?

Answer: Yes, I did. And it wasn't because Kris Allen swiveled his hips. Minutes ago, a 4.1 earthquake just struck near Hawthorne, two days after a 4.7 quake hit in the same area. Look for Ryan Seacrest to nervously make light of it in his opening remarks, and to literally step on tween heads on a mad dash for the exits should another strike during the live broadcast.

[Photo illustration: K Bonami]