Nine Brutal Cardinal Murders That Didn't Make the Angels & Demons Cut

9. Cardinal Carlo Bagnasco, tied to the Arch of Constantine with his pockets filled with birdseed, and pecked to death by ravenous pigeons who'd been starved for two weeks by the nefarious hand of the Illuminati.

8. Cardinal Józef Dziwisz, lowered slowly into a vat of sulfuric acid in a secret chamber off the Sistine Chapel, accessible only if you follow an imaginary line made by God's outstretched index finger to a switch hidden inside Baby Moses's bellybutton.

7. Cardinal Agustín Glemp, crushed between the 249th and 250th pages of the world's largest printed version of the New Testament on the towering shelves of the Biblioteca Vallicelliana.

6. Cardinal Giovanni Mario Bergoglio, drugged and suspended by chains to the ceiling of the San Giovanni Basilica in Laterano, and sent plunging to his dramatic death over a sea of votive candles when the church's pipe organist plays the final notes of "Fly Me to the Moon."

5. Cardinal St. Louis, soundly swept by the Cubs in a day-night doubleheader during which Albert Pujols tore a ligament attempting to steal second base.

4. Cardinal Pablo Espinoza, struck and dragged 300 meters by drunk Popemobile driver.

3. Cardinal Cormac O'Malley McMurphy O'Connor, forced to eat communion wafers in a port-o-johnny in the Piazza del Quirinale until his internal organs exploded.

2. Cardinal Raffaele Garcia-Gasco Cipriani, suspended inside a giant, ice-sculpture depiction of The Last Judgment of St. Bartholomew, unveiled as the horrific centerpiece to the pontiff's annual chili cookout.

1. Cardinal John Chong, nailed to a Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian billboard with a power hammer.