Thieves Like Who?

For maximum effect, the promos should be dubbed into Chinese and included on recently released DVDs, since so much of the illegal copying is going on behind what used to be known as the Iron Curtain. Also, it would be nice to hear Diesel--once hailed as the next James Bond, though now seeming more like the last James Belushi--speak in fluent Mandarin, English having proven such a roaring success.

Hollywood could also parade borderline matinee idols, mavericks and has-beens to illustrate the grave peril to their careers posed by piracy.

"Lately, I've only been getting work in scuzzy Stallone remakes and piss-poor Steve Buscemi indies," is how a ravaged Mickey Rourke might phrase it. "If you cocksuckers don't knock off this piracy shit, I won't even be able to get that. You fuckin' pussies better watch your back!"

Other approaches might prove equally viable. To provide a graphic illustration of how much piracy is affecting the creative process, the Wachowski brothers might appear in a public-service announcement lamenting the fallout from The Matrix series.

"You probably noticed that the last two installments of The Matrix didn't have much of a plot," is how they'd lay it out. "Well, whose fault is that? If we hadn't been losing money hand-over-fist to pirates, we could have paid for a decent screenplay. But our hands were tied. We know how stupid all that stuff about the Keymaker and the Oracle was. We know that Laurence Fishburne didn't have a single good line in the last two films. But that's your fault. You robbed us blind. You stiffed us. Do you seriously think we would have been reduced to using some dumb-assed Ivy League professor as an extra if we'd had the cash to get somebody halfway decent? Hey, what goes around comes around."

Many other possibilities present themselves. Famished screenwriters could be interviewed in homeless shelters talking about having to pull their kids out of private schools because piracy prevented them from getting their projects airborne. Penniless, disease-ravaged directors standing in the soup line could point an angry finger at the wicked pirates, claiming that only misappropriation of their wares prevented them from getting Shallow Hal: The Prequel greenlighted. David Geffen might even agree to be filmed at the foreclosure on one of his mansions after pirates peeled so much money off his bankroll that he had to sell off some valuable properties. And Winona Ryder could earmark DVD piracy as the emotional wellspring of her inexplicable shoplifting predilections.

Should appeals to basic human decency not work, appeals of artists could be used. Peter Jackson might appear on screen showing what The Lord of the Rings would look like if piracy continues unabated. No more high-quality computer generated monsters; instead, loads of villains who look like the Hulk in Ang Lee's misbegotten film. And no more Liv Tyler, Ian McKellen or Orlando Bloom; instead, the barricades would be manned by Shannen Doherty, Tom Bosley and Paul Giamatti. You want real dungeons and real dragons? Then you better be prepared to pay for them.

And should the studios decide to get really down and dirty, they might persuade Robert Downey Jr. to film a spot warning teenage downloaders and pirates what's in store for them down in the prison showers after the lights go out. What might work even better would be direct threats. If this piracy thing doesn't stop, we're going to start making black-and-white movies again. Unless you bring us the names and addresses of the criminals, we won't release Kill Bill: Vol. 2. Ever.

Or maybe Hollywood should stop wasting its money on these pitiful public-service announcements entirely and instead hire unemployed death squads to track down the pirates. It's a waste of time to beg for common decency. The only way to deal with pirates is through violence. That's why the very last public-service spot should feature Mel Gibson, decked out in full Braveheart, warning that any apprehended movie pirate will be hung, drawn, quartered, castrated and then forced to watch The Passion of the Christ in Aramaic.

That should put the fear of God into them.

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