Thieves Like Who?

Forget those public-service announcements hosted by set designers and stuntman -- here are the anti-piracy shorts we'd like to see.

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In a frantic attempt to harden the public's attitude toward DVD piracy, Hollywood has begun to run a series of heartwarming informational vignettes before the screenings of major motion pictures. One features a set designer whose goatee is a different color than the rest of his facial hair; I am not sure if this is a deliberate attention-getting gimmick, a new industry trend or simply poor lighting. A second showcases a stuntman. In each case, the speakers are "just plain folks" who work largely behind the scenes in the motion-picture industry.

Earnestly, these folks talk about how much they love their jobs, while subtly registering their concern about the spread of piracy. The largely unspoken message is clear: Pirates are threatening the working stiff's very livelihood. Piracy doesn't merely hurt the corporations, the producers, the directors and the stars; it hurts the average guy as well. I have no idea how many of these public-service announcements are already in the can, but I personally am looking forward to the ones featuring the homespun gaffer, the affable foley artist and the miffed best boy who fears for his economic future.

Still, I'm not sure what the overall effect of this unusual campaign will be. Warning patrons about the ethical perfidy of movie piracy seems a bit like preaching to the choir; people who have already paid to see a movie are most likely not the kinds of people participating in this odious cultural misdeed. Many filmgoers deliberately arrive late at the multiplex, seeking to avoid previews for Minnie Driver movies, much less suffer through public-service announcements. And since most filmgoers are teenagers, for whom contempt for authority is an official rite of passage, it's hard to see how they will be swayed by these pleas for global economic justice. Kids who want to use drugs have rarely been swayed by those grim "This Is Your Brain on Drugs" ads. They know what drugs do to your brain. That's why they use them.

A more serious criticism of the movie promos is their staggering dishonesty. The grunts who work the cameras, build the sets, fetch the food and cater to the talent get paid the same amount of money regardless of how the film does at the box office. Movies are going to get made no matter how many pirates rip off the studios. Economics may change over the course of time, but none of this is likely to affect the hoi polloi who slave away in the trenches.

Trotting out the proles smacks of a manipulative cynicism for which the industry has long been both criticized and revered. It reminds me of a recent New York Times op-ed piece in which a young man pleaded with readers not to hang up on telemarketers because one of the telemarketers might very well be his aging mother, incapable of getting any other work. Nice try, pally.

If Hollywood wants to be honest about the real economic and employment threat that movie piracy presents, it should furlough the set designers and stuntmen and film a bunch of public-service announcements showcasing the people who are really affected by the criminal epidemic.

"If you dudes keep ripping off my movies, I'm going to be forced to take a pay cut," are the words we might hear out of an anguished Vin Diesel's mouth. "There's no way I can keep asking studios to pay me $20 million a movie when my flicks like A Man Apart are tanking at the box office and getting ripped off by pirates. You scumbags are going to put me out of business!

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