Drew Barrymore: Drew Confessions

Q: Explain flipping out.

A: I woke up Friday morning. Normally I'm in meetings all day, but I cleared the day, which was the stupidest thing I could have done. I had only myself to deal with. I woke up that morning thinking, [panting] Damn, there was an early showing in New York, wonder how it went? That's exciting, that it's in Times Square, why can't I just appreciate that? Why am I thinking like such a Hollywood asshole? I hate myself...my God, what if it doesn't work? The studio's going to think it invested money in a bunch of losers! I'll call Nancy. No, she'll think I'm nuts. No, she knows I'm nuts, so I'll call. No, I'll call my friend Amy! "Oh, you can't do anything now? Oh, maybe we can get together for dinner. You know what? I shouldn't be around anybody because I have such bad energy! In fact, I'm going to hang up the phone." Was I being weird? I'll just drive out to the ocean. That's what I need, to see the deep blue sea. Because I'm so small! The ocean will remind me how stupid I am. So, I go to the ocean, and pull over in the parking lot, but I go to buy some CDs because I think that music will help. But I'm crying now. I can't go in the store because they'll think I'm nuts. I think, OK, OK. Maybe I should call Amy again. "Hello? No, I'm in the parking lot [crying]. I don't know what to do, it's only Friday afternoon, and this is the longest day of my life. No! I'm not checking the weekend grosses, I want to find out after it's done. In fact, I want to find out in the trades on Monday, the way everybody else does. I'm a loser! Why am I talking about the trades? I've got to go. Bye." Why am I being so self-indulgent? Nothing will be affected by this weekend...but Hollywood will. Everybody involved in this movie will care. My God! I've let all these people down! My God, it's been 10 minutes since I looked at the ocean; I brought myself out to the sea, and I haven't even looked at it. I'm looking down at the sand, thinking about myself.

Q: When did that stop?

A: It lasted the whole weekend. I forced myself to wait until I walked into the office on Monday. I had micromanaged that film from my heart, and realized that fixating with the end result would make a great experience impure. Better I lose my mind at the beach and not find out what the numbers are as they're coming in, rather than be a producer on her cell phone.

Q: When you finally got to work that Monday and realized you'd opened strong, how did you feel?

A: I was somewhat relieved.

Q: Do you feel that your long lucky streak might end?

A: I do feel that at any moment it will all be gone. That at any moment I'll be thrown back into that institution, that the people I love will run away from me.

Q: You're narrating and producing a documentary about the Barrymore family. Which family member do you feel closest to?

A: John, no question. I've felt jealous of the people who've met members of my family I've never met. I've been at restaurants where someone will come up and tell me they knew my grandfather. You could never get me more all ears. The thing I really enjoy doing is watching their movies. Then reading books they actually wrote, and learning who really knew them. A lot of people get to spend their lives with their families. Since I didn't, I at least feel lucky that my family left me all this documentation of their lives.

Q: With all the recent success you've had, do you feel you're holding up your end of the Barrymore legacy?

A: I never feel like I'm pulling a sword out of the stone. I feel like I'm pulling it out of thin air--and sometimes I'm pulling it out of my ass. The idea of being able to make your family proud, whether they're here or floating in the universe, that must be the height of success for everybody.

Q: Will you work kids into your life?

A: Yeah. Women fear that it takes them out of the game. I even fear that if I have kids, I'm going to be this big, fat, emotional wreck. I'm going to be so stuck to my child I'm not going to be able to work. But I get scared. I'm 26, and have a couple things lined up that take a while. All of a sudden, I'm going to be 30 and realize, I didn't do anything for myself in my 20s, except for my career.

Q: Anything you want to whisper in my ear, before I walk out of here?

A: [Leans over, in breathy whisper] Yes. I'm pregnant. [Louder] I'm kidding!

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Michael Fleming interviewed Heather Graham for the September issue of Movieline.

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