Beyond Feng Shui

"Feng che is about personal commuting, not group transportation," adds Li Sang Yin. "Sharing the commuting space with another human being inevitably reduces the amount of positive ch'i flowing into the vehicle. But more to the point, feng che will not work in most minivans because of their sharp edges. The only vehicle that is truly amenable to the feng che philosophy is the Toyota Previa. Unfortunately, Toyota stopped making them in 1997." It goes with-out saying that car design is one of the most important components of a fully feng che'd lifestyle. Sid Mamet, founder of Forbidden City Fiat, which now operates six showrooms in the Greater Los Angeles area, stresses the importance of rounded automotive features. "Basically, you want to go small and curvy, with nice scalloped headlights and fenders," says Mamet, noting that it's no accident the 2000 models of high-end car manufacturers are a lot less boxy than these same cars were in the '90s. "Just forget about Humvees," he adds.

To help neophytes devise the most psychically salubrious routes to and from work, a company called Santa Monica Geomantic.com has devised a soft-ware program that produces detailed maps showing you how to get from your particular Point A to Point B without traversing too many four-way intersections--or driving too close to the ocean. "In theory, the Pacific Ocean should be a source of tremendous positive ch'i," says Kim Poulin, founder of Santa Monica Geomantic.com. "But medical waste and sewage discharges brought on by El Niño have seriously eroded the ocean's upside ch'i. So, if it's at all possible, you want to drive as far inland as possible, even if it means taking that long detour through the Valley."

Long detours are no obstacle to people who are serious about feng che. One high-ranking MGM executive, already uncomfortable with the nearness of both the studio and his home to the Pacific Ocean, was so determined to approach the studio parking for uniquely from the north (a particularly demanding tenet of feng che) he took to driving all the way to Santa Barbara in order to keep directionally correct without making a complete U-turn (feng che strongly discourages U-turns). He was one of the few executives who had nothing to do with The Mod Squad but was fired anyway because he spent so little time in his office. One struggling producer trying to turn his life around via feng che was killed on the way back to his house in Topanga when he swerved to avoid a pack of coyotes while navigating the winding turns of Topanga Canyon Boulevard. According to his wife, the man had gone out to buy some echinacea and goldenseal but had driven 34 miles out of his way to avoid the negative energy emanating from Malibu Beach.

"David led a feng che life and I'm sure he would have wanted to meet a feng che death," says his widow, Melissa Redon. ''Feng che had completely turned his life around: he was off drugs, he was reconciled with his parents, and he was getting ready to show his new script to Edward James Olmos. Without feng che, David would have ended his life as a complete loser."

It remains to be seen whether feng che will ever preside over an empire as far-flung as its more ancient cousin feng shui. Even the buyers of O.J. Simpson's former house had a feng shui expert assess the property (she concluded it had been a source of positive energy for Simpson, with its southwest direction and large swimming pool). And in case anyone doubts the ability of the entertainment industry to amplify the effects of any trend it fixes upon, presidential hopeful Donald Trump incorporates feng shui principles into the design of his new real estate ventures. Clearly, feng che has a long way to go before it can claim that kind of influence, but if the current mood in Los Angeles is any indication, feng che will soon be coming to an interstate, an intersection or a multilevel parking garage near you. These days, California freeways routinely provide motorists with updates on negative ch'i emanating from fatal accidents, and parking lots all over Los Angeles are hastily being redesigned in circular or oval shapes so that no one will ever again have to park in a dark corner where killer ch'i will seep into their vehicles. The entertainment community has so completely embraced the feng che approach to vehicle design that cars with sharp edges are instantly identifiable as being driven by inner-city gangs, migrant workers, irony boys or goths.

As Li Sang Yin puts it: "Feng che isn't simply about harmonious commuting. Feng che is about life itself. When positive ch'i flows in from the highways, the byways, the upholstery and even the carburetor, things like Bicentennial Man just don't happen. That's why this town loves feng che."

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Joe Queenan wrote about movie trailers for the Dec./Jan. issue of Movieline.

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