Beyond Feng Shui

"Feng che is a somewhat more recent, but nonetheless ancient Chinese philosophy that dates from the third century B.C., when the Great Wall of China was being built," explains Li Sang Yin, the most sought-after feng che practitioner working in the United States today. "After they'd finished building the first 1,200 miles of a wall meant to keep barbarian invaders out, work slowed to a crawl because laborers were turning up for work each morning in a terrible mood. The Emperor ordered feng shui experts called in. These ch'i specialists immediately investigated the number of sharp turns workmen made on their way to the construction site and discovered that, indeed, protracted exposure to sharp corners had exerted a catastrophic effect on the personal productivity of the labor force. As all enlightened ch'i watchers know, negative ch'i seeps through the holes in the universe via the microscopic intersection where two sharp edges do not exactly meet. That's how feng che--the science of making sure that the traveler is in complete harmony with the physical space he is moving through--came into being."

But how does a discipline rooted in ancient sino-architectural managerial techniques work in a modern, free-market environment like the entertainment business? Basically, the process runs something like this: an individual--a film producer, say--first hires a feng che master to visit his house and office. Using a diagnostic device called the denkon guagua--an octagonal template on which are printed symbols for each of the eight areas that define human existence (money, sex, fame, power, contacts, fitness, enemies and revenge)--the master ascertains the quantity and quality of negative ch'i in the living or work space. The master then superimposes the denkon guagua over a scaled diagram of the clients automobile and decides which objects--banners, globes, fish, flowers, draperies, mirrors, statues of the Three-Legged Toad God of Wealth, etc.--need to be inserted in each section of the car to maximize the proximate ch'i, and which objects need to be removed.

No small amount of intuitive brilliance is called upon from the feng che master in this process. For example, a producer with a great deal of money but very few friends would be instructed to position delicate flowers over the steering wheel, while a famous producer with numerous enemies would be counseled to reposition his rearview mirrors so that anyone looking into them would catch his own direct reflection and be pummeled into a stupor by his own reverberatingly negative ch'i. Obviously, there's a risk in the daring concept of feng che. "Positioning your rearview mirror so that the negative energy flowing from a rival's reflection boomerangs back into his vehicle is one of the linchpins of modern feng che," says Lt. Teddy Carmody of the LAPD. "But it also makes it almost impossible to make that eastbound ramp exit onto Santa Monica Boulevard from the middle lane, because you can't see the dead spot right behind you. Especially if you've got a statue of the Three-Legged Toad God of Wealth in the back window. This is the downside of the feng che boom."

The other crucial component of feng che is devising a route from one's home to one's office that will maximize the flow of positive energy into ones vehicle and. ultimately, one's life and deals. Above all, this means minimizing the number of four-way intersections you encounter. So much negative ch'i can leach into the street through the competing quartet of right angles at intersections that after a certain number of them, drivers sometimes become too depressed to go to work, or even leave the intersection.

"From centuries before the Mongol invasions, it was always understood that fastidiously adhering to feng che principles was inevitably going to mean longer commutes," says Li Sang Yin, who charges $500 an hour to feng che sports cars ($750 for SUVs). "So anyone wishing to gain the benefits of integrating feng che into his lifestyle must be prepared to take circuitous routes to work."

The desire to drive to and from the office via winding roads with a minimum of sharp angles has contributed to the massive traffic jams reported on Laurel Canyon Boulevard, Mulholland Drive and the Bel Air portion of Sunset Boulevard in the past year. Feng the aficionados have taken to navigating around entire escarpments of Los Angeles real estate in an effort to reach the office with as little involvement in hard-edge geometry as possible. Seeking to cope with this unprecedented flow of traffic through serpentine byways, Los Angeles and the various independent civic entities that are adjacent to it (e.g. Beverly Hills) have passed resolutions designating certain roads as off-limits to feng che motorists. In Culver City, feng che driving is permitted only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and not before nine a.m. or after six. "In a place like L.A., where nobody believes in carpooling or public transportation, feng che is a double-edged sword," says Barry Alvaro, author of Diffident Azures: Feng Che in the Age of the Han Dynasty and Feng Che for Bozos.

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