4,000 Blows
Since physical abuse does not guarantee a successful career, I would discourage young actors who might be reading this article from deliberately subjecting themselves to on-screen beatings in their upcoming projects. Although it would be nice to see Luke Perry get his teeth knocked out, it cannot be stated with absolute certainty that such activity would make the public any more receptive to his films. The public is cruel, but it is also fickle. As for David Schwimmer: hey, don't even bother trying to salvage this career with an ass-whipping. The public is cruel, but it is not stupid.
Throughout this essay, I have repeatedly drawn attention to the public's creepy yen to see great-looking guys get totally jacked up. In doing so, I have perhaps created the impression that I myself am impervious to such dementia. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love to see movie stars get worked over by a two-by-four. I love to see a handsome guy's head get opened up with a power saw. I love to see a glamour boy go headfirst into the woodchipper. Where I part company with the public is in the choice of people I'd like to see get worked over.
Most Americans, being xenophobic little toads, only want to see homegrown movie stars get their faces smashed in. Perhaps because I studied at the Sorbonne, have read the complete works of Pierre Comeille, and have spent years learning how to pronounce the words "Notre Dame," I prefer to see French movies stars get jacked up. For as long as I can remember, I have always harbored a secret desire to see Gerard Depardieu get his teeth kicked in. I would also love to Jean-Louis Trintignant get utterly totaled before he retires. Indeed, one of my greatest regrets in life is that I never got to see debonair Yves Montand lying in the gutter getting his head stomped in by malevolent street urchins.
On the other hand, I did get to see Streisand kiss him.
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Joe Queenan wrote about dentists in the movies for the July '97 issue of Movieline.
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