There Oughta be a Law!

Jagged Edge -- Glenn Close plays a hotshot corporate lawyer who used to be a crusading public prosecutor, but who quit because her partner suppressed evidence that would have gotten an innocent man acquitted. For no very good reason, her superiors decide that she should defend Jeff Bridges, a playboy accused of brutally murdering his wife. Even though Bridges is obviously guilty, because he inherits everything once his wife is out of the way, Close falls in love with him, and gets him off, as he does her.

Then, unexpectedly, she stumbles upon a telltale piece of physical evidence--a typewriter with a busted key--proving that Bridges killed his wife, something that would never happen if he owned a PC. So she stops riding horses with him, stops sleeping with him, and then kills him. Based on a Joe Eszterhas script where everyone in the audience knows that the defendant is guilty, there's lots of horseback riding, there's a key piece of physical evidence that gets discovered too late, and the government cannot be trusted.

Legal Eagles --Debra Winger plays a dippy ambulance chaser who must defend the obviously guilty Daryl Hannah against charges that she did what she obviously did. Throughout the film, Winger dresses like a schoolmarm and her voice keeps cracking. So what else is new?

Music Box -- Jessica Lange plays a hotshot criminal lawyer who must defend her Hungarian immigrant father against charges that he murdered half the Jewish population of Budapest during the Second World War. Even though Pop is obviously guilty, Lange is deeply in love with him, and gets him off. Then, unexpectedly, she stumbles upon a telltale piece of physical evidence--a music box with a bunch of photos of Pop and his Nazi chums--proving that Dad killed half the Jewish population of Budapest. So she stops allowing her son to ride horses with him, then turns over the damning photos to the Feds, whom she originally hated because they were always using falsified evidence. A Joe Eszterhas script where everyone in the audience knows that the defendant is guilty, there's lots of horseback riding, there's a key piece of physical evidence that gets discovered too late, and the government cannot be trusted.

The Pelican Brief -- Julia Roberts plays a hotshot legal student, a harrowing reminder that things could be worse in Lady Lawyer Cinema--actresses like Roberts could be playing hotshot legal eagles. A tedious film, based on a John Grisham novel, that ends in an airplane hangar with the main character flying off to enter the witness protection program, an odd ending for a script which has heretofore moved heaven and earth to suggest that the United States Government cannot be trusted.

Physical Evidence -- Theresa Russell plays a crusading, hotshot public defender who must defend suspended cop Burt Reynolds against charges that he murdered one of his snitches. Throughout the proceedings, the harried Russell appears to be reading her lines off a Teleprompter. Perhaps the only time in Burt's career that someone cast opposite him gave a worse performance than he did.

Suspect -- Cher plays a crusading, hotshot public defender who must defend Liam Neeson against charges of illegal possession of a concealed brogue. Actually, Neeson plays a deaf-mute in the film, and is cast as a psychopathic bag person accused of murdering a woman who stumbled upon incontrovertible evidence that the Federal Government cannot be trusted, and who was trying to get the information into Oliver Stone's hands. Ironically, Neeson looks like a roadie for Cher's ex-husband Gregg's old group, the Allman Brothers Band, which makes it all but impossible for Cher to convince the jury that he is innocent.

Wild Orchid -- Carré Otis speaks four languages and has a degree in international law, but that doesn't prevent her from putting on a cat mask and screwing a complete stranger while boyfriend Mickey Rourke looks on. The horrifying subtext of this film seems to be that even if you can speak four languages and have a degree in international law and look like Carré Otis, you're still going to end up with a sleazeball like Mickey Rourke. Hey, just ask Carré.

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Joe Queenan wrote about the Merchant Ivory oeuvre in the November '95 Movieline.

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