There Oughta be a Law!

"Alright, alright." many readers will interject at this point, "we'll admit that Hollywood has perhaps gone a bit overboard in its penchant for casting robo-babes as gifted, resourceful, brilliant attorneys. But that doesn't mean that the American public should be unilaterally indicted for its failure to rebel against this trend. After all, Fair Game was a bomb, while Suspect, Wild Orchid, Guilty as Sin and Physical Evidence vanished without a trace. Moreover, in the three films that did fare reasonably well at the box office, the casting of Julia Roberts and Kelly McGillis and Demi Moore as lawyers was tangential to the ultimate success of the films. For example, Julia Roberts only played a law student--not a lawyer per se--in The Pelican Brief. The Accused racked up decent numbers at the box office because of Jodie Foster's highly believable performance as a Tonya Harding prototype who wanders into the wrong bar. And A Few Good Men was a success because everyone in America wanted to see Big Jack face off against Tom Cruise."

I am ready to concede these points, just as I am ready to concede that in the same time frame we have seen other films in which female lawyers were played with intelligence, passion and credibility by actresses as varied as Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (Class Action). Jessica Lange (Music Box), Emma Thompson (In the Name of the Father) and Susan Sarandon (The Client). That does not vitiate the essential merit of my argument. Cher was deliberately cast as a lawyer in Suspect as part of a top secret, long-term plot to prepare the public for Kelly McGillis's absurd casting as a lawyer in The Accused, Kelly McGillis was cast as a lawyer in The Accused to soften the public up for the twin outrages of Theresa Russell as a lawyer in Physical Evidence and Carré Otis as a lawyer in Wild Orchid. This duo was hired to try in vain to prep the movie-going public for the triple outrages of Demi Moore in A Few Good Men. Rebecca De Mornay in Guilty as Sin and Julia Roberts in The Pelican Brief. Moore, De Mornay and Roberts were cast in A Few Good Men, Guilty as Sin and The Pelican Brief in a kind of preemptive strike to prepare the public for Cindy Crawford's role as a lawyer well-schooled in federal maritime law in Fair Game.

Anyone who has seen Fair Game can be excused for reaching the conclusion that Cindy Crawford's casting as an attorney marks the end of this pitiful cinematic interlude, that with the box office disaster wrought by Ms. Crawford this cycle has spun itself dry. Tragically, their optimism is unfounded. No, the casting of the thoroughly unbelievable Cindy Crawford as a gifted attorney in Fair Game marks the final feint in a cunning industry-wide conspiracy to prepare the moviegoing public for the most ludicrous piece of casting of all. Hollywood insiders have assured me that at this very moment, a major studio is secretly preparing a remake of the 1960 classic Inherit the Wind, which pitted the peerless Spencer Tracy against the slightly-less-peerless Fredric March in an unforgettable courtroom drama centering on the 1925 Scopes Monkey Trial. The film, movie buffs will recall, dealt with the epic confrontation between America's greatest attorney, Clarence Darrow, and William Jennings Bryan, an overarching political titan who led one of the most successful populist crusades in American history, and who himself unsuccessfully ran for the White House for decades on end. It is my honest belief that Hollywood is now preparing a $300 million distaff version of Inherit the Wind, to be directed by Kathryn Bigelow and produced by Barbra Streisand, with Elizabeth Berkley cast in the role of William Jennings Bryan and Juliette Lewis playing the part of Clarence Darrow.

Of course, as is so often the case with my theories, could be wrong.

If my elaborate theory about Cher, Kelly, Theresa, Carré, Demi, Rebecca, Julia and Cindy is in fact completely idiotic, what other explanation can we possibly find for their ridiculous miscastings in this string of highly implausible legal thrillers? Personally, I prefer a completely sexist explanation. It goes like this: Hollywood is deliberately making these movies as a way of sending a subliminal message to young females that the law is an ignoble and debasing profession where you are certain to lose your dignity, your integrity, your money, your health, your pants and your soul. In short, that you'll end up like every male lawyer in this country.

Consider the evidence. In Suspect, a film in which Cher defends a seemingly guilty party, she is nearly murdered and only manages to crack the case by openly colluding with a flirtatious juror (Dennis Quaid). This is a clear cut case of jury tampering, and jury tampering is a felony. In short, Cher's character is a dirtball. In Legal Eagles, a film in which Debra Winger defends a seemingly guilty party, she nearly gets murdered and only cracks the case by breaking and entering a warehouse where private records are stored. That's a felony, strongly suggesting that Winger's character is a dirtball.

In Guilty as Sin, a film in which Rebecca De Mornay defends a seemingly guilty party, she is nearly murdered and only ends up cracking the case by planting fake evidence against her own client. That would get any lawyer in any state of the Union disbarred, strongly suggesting that De Mornay's character is a dirtball. In Physical Evidence, a film in which Theresa Russell defends a seemingly guilty party, she nearly gets herself murdered and only succeeds in cracking the case by falling in love with her own client, an unforgivable breach of barristerial ethics, strongly suggesting... well, you know.

Here, a personal note. I did not undertake this assignment with the intention of holding actresses such as Cher and Kelly and Theresa up to ridicule. Cast in the proper roles--like biker moms, unsuccessful prostitutes, serial killers or Tom Cruise's girlfriend--they can be affecting, persuasive and even emotionally riveting. Yet by appearing in roles such as those we have cited here, they merely serve as stool pigeons in a mass conspiracy hatched by people named Herb and Mikey and Zalman to make women look bad. By portraying lawyers who are ethically inanimate, morally tumescent, intellectually sterilized, and too hot to trot with their wife-killing clients, this cadre of actresses does a vast disservice to the cause of feminism. By appearing in substandard films such as these, they send a message to teenage females that the law is the exclusive province of dirtball males, that they'd be better off forsaking their dreams of a career in the law and instead becoming seamstresses, waitresses or ice pick-wielding psychopaths who don't wear any underwear.

Therefore, as a public service, I have compiled a Home Video Guide to Dud Female Lawyers which should be in every home in America where there are young girls who dream of standing for, rather than behind or atop, the bar.

I hope that my efforts will be appreciated.

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