There Oughta be a Law!

Is the dumbing down of films about female lawyers just further proof of sexism in Hollywood, or a deliberate salvo in a larger war against feminism? Our dauntless reporter has prepared this brief on the legal antics of everyone from Cher, Cindy and Demi to Rebecca, Jessica and Julia.

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Way back in 1987, the ex-wife of future United States Congressman Sunny Bono appeared in the role of a resourceful, intelligent, heavily maxi-skirted lawyer in the film Suspect. The event did not precipitate any spontaneous, transcontinental, bipartisan, pluralistic, multicultural outburst of enthusiasm such as accompanied the release of Working Girl in 1988, Pretty Woman in 1990, Thelma & Louise in 1991 or White You Were Sleeping in 1995. By this I mean that America, having witnessed Cher's exploits as a dim, dozy public defender hired to represent an odious bag person seemingly guilty of a brutal homicide, did not immediately burst into torrents of rapture, exclaiming, "Surely, this is the role that Cher was born to play!"

On the other hand, Cher's performance in Suspect did not ignite a firestorm of national derision such as greeted Demi Moore after the release of the preposterous The Scarlet Letter in 1995, or Madonna once the critics took a gander at her work in Who's That Girl? and Shanghai Surprise, or Sofia Coppola in the wake of her father's ill-advised decision to give her Winona Ryder's part in The Godfather, Part III.

Am I saying that the public enjoyed Suspect? I am not. Am I saying that the American public found Cher credible, believable, persuasive and entertaining in the role of a public defender called upon to represent a bag person who has seemingly committed a brutal homicide with malice aforethought? I am not. Am I saying that Cher's performance as a lawyer in Suspect directly spoke to the people of this great nation? I am not.

All I am saying is that when Cher, the only female in the history of the universe who could possibly introduce Sonny Bono as the second-dumbest man she ever married, played the part of a public defender in the 1987 film Suspect, the moviegoing public did not immediately erupt in a Vesuvius of disbelief commingled with fury and outrage at the thought of being played for suckers. No, for whatever the reason, the moviegoing public did not confront the powers-that-be in the motion picture industry with an ultimatum stipulating that henceforth all movies featuring female lawyers must bear some tenuous connection with reality, however feeble, however remote--or else they would not patronize their products.

It is impossible to overestimate the artistic carnage resulting from the public's failure to do so. Why do I say this? Allow me, if you will, to wax philosophical for a few moments here. Not for the first time in these pages have I expressed the heart-felt conviction that everything that takes place in this universe has some hidden meaning and purpose, even Pauly Shore's career. Things may happen for the wrong reason, and seemingly innocent actions may have disastrous consequences, but things do not just happen. They are all part of a cosmic master plan. Every act leads to the next act. Everything that happens happens so that something else can happen.

So it is with Cher's appearance as a lawyer in Suspect. Why, one asks, would a serious, well-managed Hollywood studio cast Cher in the role of an adroit public defender when a legion of infinitely more believable actresses--Meryl Streep. Jane Alexander, Christine Land, Anjelica Huston--were overlooked for the part? The answer? Because Cher is merely the warning shot across the bow, the first fusillade in what initially appears to be a skirmish but is actually a war, the first indication of what monstrous atrocities lie ahead if the public refuses to defend itself.

Cher's casting as a lawyer in Suspect was merely a diversionary beachhead in a much wider offensive, a sort of celluloid Anzio preparing the ground for a full-scale D-Day, an incident at Harper's Ferry on the way to Gettysburg. Once the public neglected to hold public hearings, town meetings or lynchings to prevent a reprise of such a travesty, the path was cleared for far greater indignities. Let's recap the official history. Once the public failed to take umbrage at Cher's soporific performance in Suspect, the dainty, well-groomed Kelly McGillis was immediately cast as a hard-as-nails public prosecutor in the 1988 film The Accused. Distracted by Jodie Foster's Oscar-winning performance as a spunky rape victim, few noticed how ingeniously McGillis had been miscast in the role of a resourceful lawyer, or, for that matter, a resourceful anything.

After that, the floodgates burst. First, Theresa Russell appealed as a savvy public defender in Physical Evidence. Then Carré Otis was cast as a multilingual corporate attorney in Wild Orchid. Next, Demi Moore was cast as a prodigious litigator in A Few Good Men. Then Rebecca De Mornay was cast opposite Don Johnson as a top-flight attorney in Guilty as Sin. Then Julia Roberts was cast as a brilliant law student in The Pelican Brief. All of which led to 1995's disaster Fair Game, in which Cindy Crawford played an attorney so gifted that she actually managed to nail her prey because of her expert command of the intricacies of federal maritime law.

That's right, Cindy Crawford played a lawyer so gifted that she actually managed to nail her prey because of her expert command of the intricacies of federal maritime law.

Oy vay.

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