Eric Stoltz: Shhh Don't Say Anything

"Because of the times? Or the budgets?"

"I think it's the times," he says. "You know, in the early '80s everyone was indulging in everything."

"So who was indulging in Fast Times? Cast or crew?"

"No comment," Stoltz says.

Although it's virtually a waste of time to even dabble in research prior to going up against Stoltz, I did arrive with a few movie titles from the actor's early career. "I'd never even heard of these," I explain to him, "let alone seen them."

"I might not have seen them either," he says, laughing. "What are they?"

"Running Hot."

"I think that was my second or third film, and we literally made it for about 70 grand and shot it in 12 days. A lurid little couple-on-the-lam kind of picture. It was fun."

"Surf II. Which seems interesting not only because there was no Surf I, but the cast included Ruth Buzzi, Terry Kiser, Eddie Deezen, Carol Wayne, Lyle Waggoner... I looked it up; don't hate me because I'm dutiful."

"Yeah," he says, "it was one of those chock-full-o'-comedians beach-schlock films. I had a small role. I don't remember much about it. Keep 'em coming, Stephen."

"Code Name: Emerald."

"That was not bad, actually. It was with Ed Harris, Max von Sydow and Helmut Berger. A World War II espionage thing we shot in Paris. I had a supporting role."

"Foreign Affairs."

"A TV movie with Joanne Woodward and Brian Dennehy."

"Then that's one you definitely haven't seen," I say. "Not having a TV. A fact people seem obsessed with."

"Yeah. People seem shocked and occasionally offended that I choose not to have one."

"Maybe I'm offended, too."

"But I'm a vegetarian," Stoltz says, "and I'm not offended when you eat meat. I don't force my way of living on anyone. Yet."

How did he know I was carnivorous? "What else don't you have?"

"A life."

Maybe he can't afford a TV? "Are you wealthy at least?"

"I think I'm wealthy," he says, though even less private actors would be reluctant to talk about money. "I make a good living for what I do. Well, it depends. If I'm doing an independent film I'm making no money--probably losing money. But if I'm doing a studio film, I'll make a decent wage. I can live for a year without working."

"How much cash do you have on you right now?"

He stands up, pulls some bills from his jeans pocket and counts them in front of God-knows-who in the park. "Seventy-three dollars," he announces. "I have a friend who likes to carry around a wad of a thousand dollars, because it makes him feel powerful."

"Who?"

"No comment."

"So are you as nice a guy as you seem?" I ask.

"I can be," he says. "I'm certainly trying to be a nice guy for an interview."

I laugh. "That's right," I say, shaking my head. "You're an actor! How stupid of me."

"I mean, I can be a jerk like everyone else, but I save that for the people I love."

"Like Bridget?"

"Hey!"

"Why won't you talk about her?" I ask. "I'm not asking for anything grisly."

"Okay," he says. "Bridget and I read the interview with Charlie Sheen in Movieline, and Bridget said to tell you that she was repulsed by it. And I must say that I wasn't exactly amused."

He's referring, of course, to the September issue, in which Sheen told Stephen Rebello, "I'd like to jam Bridget Fonda. She's sexy. Really sexy. I think we would be good together."

"But there are several actors," Stoltz continues, "who would simply lie and say that they'd had an affair with her, rather than that they'd want to. So on one level I appreciate his honesty, even while I think he's...not a gentleman."

Later, in a fax from Scotland, Stoltz elaborates. "I think [Sheen] obviously has some need to be perceived as a shocking, in-your-face predator. A lot of actors are like this. I find there are two kinds of actors (or actresses) that you work with constantly: 1) The Respectful Actor. This person is kind and giving and talented and fun to work with and respectful of your relationship. 2) The Predatory Actor. This person is kind and giving and talented and fun to work with but feels that because they are famous they don't have to function within society's rules, i.e., if they are hungry, they eat; if they are attracted to their co-star, they act on it, married or not, no matter what destruction may ensue. These people obviously should be in therapy. The strange thing is that Predatory Actors are often so charming that people forgive them for their heinous behavior. Actors can get away with murder, literally and figuratively, and still be loved. I don't know why this is, but it's odd. Now, most actors would like to be thought of as a Respectful Actor. Obviously Mr. Sheen has a different plan. I think that's too bad. When I knew him 10 years ago, he was a perfectly nice guy."

Back in the park, I say, "But doesn't it make you feel sort of good that people covet your girlfriend?"

"Nothing makes me feel good," he says.

"Not even a massage?"

"No," he says. "At this point, I'm probably... I just don't... I'm not... happy. In my life."

It seems authentic, especially the ellipses. "And you say this in all sincerity?" I ask him, genuinely concerned.

"I guess so," he says. "He just came right out and said it. I guess he wants to shock people in interviews, which is one way of functioning."

"Wait," I say. "Who are we talking about?"

Stoltz begins laughing. "I just like to lapse into the third person!" he says. "To confuse you! Poor Stephen. 'Suddenly Eric was speaking in the third person! I had no idea who he was referring to.'"

"So how long have you been with Bridget?"

"No. Comment."

"I really just wanted to know about Peter," I say.

"Then why didn't you just ask?" Stoltz says, relieved. "Peter Fonda is... very cool. I almost did a film with him a few months ago, a very strange, low-budget vampire film called Nadja. Suzy Amis and I were to play brother and sister, and Peter was to play our father. Unfortunately, I had to back out because of family commitments. But I so regret not getting to play Suzy Amis's brother and Peter Fonda's son. I think it could've been so much fun. Although I know Peter Fonda's son and I'm sure he has many stories of how it can not be cool at times."

Maybe Stoltz will get to play Peter's son offscreen. For some reason, that thought segued into this one: I'm not a homosexual, but I play one on TV. "You played a homosexual in 'Roommates' on television," I remind him. "And now there seems to be a sudden spate of transvestite movies. Would you take a cross-dressing part?"

"Oh, absolutely!" he says immediately. "Although they might as well just hire Suzy Amis to play me playing a cross-dresser. But yes, I'd love to. What an interesting frame of mind that must be. And plus, frankly, I'm wearing kilts over in Scotland."

Suddenly, as if from nowhere, two lovely teenage girls float up on rollerskates. A breeze blows their hair back, revealing Walkman wires. "Shhh," one of them says, handing each of us a flier advertising the best grilled-chicken sandwich on earth, "don't say anything."

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