And Then There Were Nuns

Why does Hollywood always go so far awry when it makes movies about nuns? Partially because there are too many people in Los Angeles named Sid and not people enough named Clotilde. But a more pressing reason that the film industry has so much trouble realistically portraying the life of the average nun is because people in Hollywood cannot understand how a woman could voluntarily make the decision to spend her entire life without the benefit of male sexual companionship.

Ironically, the explanation for this puzzling lifelong chastity can be found in two recent movies. The first is Sister Act, in which a group of nuns headed by Maggie Smith seem to manage perfectly well without the services of Harvey Keitel, the male lead. The second film is Bad Lieutenant, in which a young, beautiful nun is raped and sodomized with a crucifix by two young Hispanic men to whom Harvey Keitel, the male lead, eventually gives $30,000 and a pair of bus tickets out of town. When you get right down to it, most men really are a lot like Harvey Keitel--or one of the two rapists--so it isn't hard to understand why women decide not to go out into the real world, where they're only going to end up getting involved with somebody like Harvey Keitel or worse. Incidentally, for all you Abel Ferrara buffs, nuns also get raped in Salvador and The Devils.

As the above makes frighteningly clear, nun movies are basically all the same, following a fixed formula in which the same plots, characters, costumes, wimples and venial sins occur over again and again. Here's a skeletal outline of the all-purpose nun movie:

A bunch of white nuns are stranded in London/San Francisco/the Himalayas/Southern France in a neighborhood where they clearly do not belong. Their tight-lipped, English mother superior is played by Maggie Smith/Vanessa Redgrave/Janet Suzman/Greer Garson/Deborah Kerr, who is always having trouble with a feisty youngster played by Audrey Hepburn/Hayley Mills/Whoopi Goldberg/Mamie Van Doren/Debbie Reynolds/somebody named Gemma. Into their midst comes a dashing ne'er-do-well played by Peter Finch/Sidney Poitier/Elvis Presley/Satan/Oliver Reed, who immediately turns the convent topsy-turvy with his raffish headwear/impressive harmonica/enormous sideburns/huge dick. After an innocuous musical interlude featuring guitars/recorders/bongos/harmoniums, a complete lunatic played by Meg Tilly/Kathleen Byron/Helen Reddy/Mary Tyler Moore commits some unforgivable act such as: getting made up like Alice Cooper and trying to toss Sister Superior off a bell tower; not keeping an eye on Elvis when he goes back into the drug dispensary to prepare a prescription; strangling a newborn infant; befriending Linda Blair; or singing any Motown song.

Obviously, very few people reading this article are going to go out and rent 29 movies that feature nuns in them anytime in the near future, just as very few people reading this article are likely to go out and read the Holy Bible. Still, most of us like to have at least a passing acquaintance with the great stories from the Bible--Salome's Dance for Herod, The Last Nights of Sodom and Gommorah, Balaam's Ass--and in all likelihood most readers would like to have a passing familiarity with the great scenes from The World's Greatest Nun Movies. To fulfill that wish, we have prepared the following list:

Best scene with nuns putting on stockings. Mary Tyler Moore and two colleagues can be seen dressing and undressing as the opening scene credits roll in Change of Habit. Sorry, it's the best we can do.

Best scene of nuns stripped to ravishing black underwear. Towards the end of Nuns on the Run, which features Eric Idle and Robbie Coltrane as gangsters masquerading as nuns, a policeman rips open a very pretty nun's habit to reveal a lacy black garter belt and panty-and-bra set. This is the only good scene in the movie.

Best name for a nun in a conventional nun movie. Mary Tyler Moore as Sister Michelle in Change of Habit.

Best name for a nun in a movie that is a complete ripoff of every Luis Bunuel movie you've ever seen. (Tie) Sister Rat of the Sewers, Sister Manure in Dark Habits.

Dumbest actress to appear in starring role in a dumb nun movie. Jennifer Jones in The Song of Bernadette.

Actress appearing in a nun movie on whom God Almighty is least likely to show mercy at the Last Judgment. Debbie Reynolds in The Singing Nun.

Most convincing infanticidal nun. Meg Tilly in Agnes of God.

Most persuasive performance as a chain-smoking bitch of a nun. Anne Bancroft in Agnes of God.

Most terrifying supporting cast in a nun movie. Ricardo Montalban, Agnes Moorehead, Chad Everett and Katharine Ross in The Singing Nun.

Best appearance by an actress playing a nun riding a very small burro. Deborah Kerr in Black Narcissus.

Best appearance by an actress playing a whore masquerading as a nun riding a very small burro. Shirley MacLaine in Two Mules for Sister Sara.

Worst lyric in a nun movie. "I'm sticking to my God like a stamp to a letter" (Whoopi in Sister Act).

Second worst lyric in a nun movie. "Come praise the Lord, for He is good" (Elvis in Change of Habit).

Second best line in a nun movie. "Buy some coke, too. It would do the convent good," (Mother Superior to the itinerant lounge lizards in Dark Habits).

And, of course, the single greatest line ever uttered in a nun movie occurs in _Girls Town _when Mamie Van Doren asks one of her fellow reform school detainees "What's holy water?" and is told, "It's plain, ordinary water with the hell boiled out of it."

That's what they mean by gospel truth.

____________

Joe Queenan wrote "See No Evil" for the April Movieline.

Pages: 1 2 3