John Waters: Does This Man Look Like A Child Molester?

John Waters certainly thinks he does, but then we've come to expect outrageous opinions from the director of Hairspray, Cry-Baby, Pink Flamingos, Polyester and the new Serial Mom. Here, Waters chats about everything from Zsa Zsa Gabor to what he'd do if he were President for just one day.

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I have a bone to pick with John Waters. Back in 1981, I was a bit player in Polyester--in fact, I sacrificed a pair of ankle-strap shoes, which were ripped off my feet by the late, great Divine as he threw me over a table during a riot scene. Why don't you recall this? BECAUSE IT WOUND UP ON THE GODDAMN CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR IS WHY!

John and I have been casual friends for a few years now, but I've never mentioned this past slight. He's in New York promoting Serial Mom, looking much handsomer than he tends to in photos, as we sit in a 38th floor office of Savoy Pictures. After I've shown him my human toenail necklace ("Oh, it's nice," he says. "At least it's painted red. It might be kinda gross if it were all yellow") and we've pored over the pages of the current Weekly World News, we're ready to chat about the electric chair, sex, singing assholes and Divine. First things first, though: I have to vent my pent-up frustration.

EVE GOLDEN: John, you cut me outta Polyester.

JOHN WATERS: Did I?

Q: I had a great part--and then I go to the premiere and the whole riot scene was cut.

A: Well, the joke worked better that way. I always put together a long version and it gets cut. Certainly in Cry-Baby and Hairspray, subplots were cut. I've learned, though. In this film, Serial Mom, there's nothing cut.

Q: You're always referred to as "director John Waters," but you're really more of a writer than a director.

A: I would never get to direct the pictures if they didn't go for the script. For me to ever get my movies made, they have to like the script.

Q: So, do you think of yourself as a writer or a director?

A: Both. But more of a writer, because I have no interest in ever directing a film I didn't write. I don't read scripts. My agent knows not to send them to me. I mean, never say never--maybe if I'm broke or something I'll direct one.

Q: Would you ever let anyone else direct one of your scripts?

A: I hope not. The only way I could see that ever happening is if they took the film away from me or something. But I never go over budget. I give them exactly the film I told them I'm going to do.

Q: Your films are all 90 minutes long. What do you think of all these three-hour films coming out?

A: [Laughing] I think they're too long! Well, not all movies-- Short Cuts didn't seem one bit too long, [nor did] Schindler 's List. The things that feel too long to me are the two-hour films that need a good 15 minutes gone from 'em. I think that's the big problem. There's no such thing as a good, long joke. Brevity is humor.

Q: Hal Roach said anything longer than a two-reel comedy is too long.

A: I agree. Especially in my films, because I'm asking you to laugh at something that basically isn't funny in real life. I'm always tryin' to get away with murder--this time, literally!

Q: I've heard that several actresses turned down the lead in Serial Mom before Kathleen Turner signed on.

A: No, that's not true at all. No one turned it down. This movie was developed at Columbia, and at that time they would not meet Kathleen Turner's price. There was another actress I did meet with and she kept saying [whiny imitation], "I don't know, I want to do a reading..."

Q: Who was it?

A: [Dead silence]. Then it went to Savoy Pictures and they immediately said yes to Kathleen Turner. When I wrote it, not knowing what kind of budget I was going to have, I thought of Julie Andrews. But after one meeting with Kathleen, I knew she had it. She has that inner kind of humor, and rage, that would make the part work.

Q: She has an evil spark in her eye.

A: She enjoys being evil. I knew that from The War of the Roses. And she has classiness. People said, is the character like Dan Quayle's wife? But she's the opposite, she's a liberal, a good mother--she would have voted for Clinton. She's the mother most of my friends wish they'd had. She just has this one problem. She overreacts and kills people.

Q: Now, Serial Mom doesn't have much of the offbeat casting you usually do.

A: Well, Bonnie [Mary Vivian Pearce] and Bridget Berlin are in it--Bridget used to be in Andy Warhol's movies. They play courtroom groupies. Suzanne Somers is in it, too, playing herself.

Q: Is Jean Hill from Desperate Living still alive?

A: Yes, she was at my Christmas party with her own supply of oxygen, a physical therapist and a date. Every so often she'd slip her oxygen mask on, but people were smoking around her and I thought, she's gonna blow up! Later, people were doing her oxygen and I thought, is that safe? It was making me nervous. But Jean is alive and well, and available for modeling.

Q: Why haven't you ever used Zsa Zsa Gabor in a movie?

A: I don't like her much.

Q: Oh, I love the Gabors! I think they're higher life forms! I'd love to see a version of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? with Eva and Zsa Zsa.

A: Nah, I'm not a fan. I use those types, but there's a thin line.

Q: Who is there you'd kill to work with but haven't had a chance to?

A: People you'd never expect--Meryl Streep, Jodie Foster. That's what's left for me. If there's any way to surprise people, it's by getting A-list people. I always wanted to work with Annette [Funicello]--not that she's not A-list, but it's a different kind of A-list.

Q: Do you get annoyed when people complain that you're not just making Pink Flamingos over and over again?

A: Well, those people will like Serial Mom, though it's certainly not Pink Flamingos. You couldn't make Pink Flamingos today. Where would you show it? There's no midnight movies anymore. Cable would never show it. To this day it's never been on. It will never be shown on cable. It has people eating dog shit. Never. In any lifetime. Which I'm sorta proud of. That's hard to do!

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