Third Time Lucky?

The theme of the Misunderstood Monsters Among Us also surfaces in Howling III, whose message is: If the rest of us will only back off and leave the Australian marsupial werewolf community in peace, its members will probably end up doing what other normal people do: going to Hollywood to get jobs in the movie business. The only movie in which weird creatures, given to unprovoked, sadistic outbursts resulting in extensive carnage, are treated unsympathetically is Child's Play 3, in which the murderous toy who goes by the name of Chucky is basically depicted as a sick fuck.

Are there any other themes that unite the various Part IIIs that I watched? Yes. Rambo III, Rocky III, Lethal Weapon 3, The Karate Kid III, Child's Play 3 and Police Academy 3 all revolve around white leading men (Sylvester Stallone, Mel Gibson, Steve Guttenberg) or white leading boys (Ralph Macchio, Justin Whalin from Child's Play 3) who have ethnic sidekicks (Sasson Gabai from Rambo III, Carl Weathers, Danny Glover, Pat Morita, Jeremy Sylvers from Child's Play 3, Bubba Smith). Police department vehicles get destroyed in Lethal Weapon 3, Angel III and Police Academy 3, while unscrupulous businessmen who will do anything for a buck, even if it means endangering the lives of small children, appear in Child's Play 3, Lethal Weapon 3, Angel III and Jaws 3-D. Moreover, Lethal Weapon 3, Angel III, Basket Case 3, Rambo III and Rocky III are all movies in which the bad guys have a lot of facial hair. This is also the case in Howling III, where the murderers have a lot of facial hair because they are, in fact, werewolves.

The prototypical Part III is an extremely violent film in which a tough but likable black man wants to retire from his job but is talked out of it by his white partner because evil men with mustaches or ponytails are endangering the lives of our children, and the only way to stop them is to call in a lot of helicopters, wreck a lot of L.A.P.D. squad cars and set people on fire, but not before seeking advice from some old coot played by Burgess Meredith, Pat Morita or Richard Crenna. Whereas the second-most-prototypical Part III movie involves a foul mutation that, having sprung from the womb of its mother, usually with some help from Satan, is now finding it very hard to fit into normal society.

This answers the question of whether Part IIIs have certain unique features they all share with one another, other than the fact that they all suck. The next question is: Are Part IIIs in fact self-contained, free-standing, individual works of art that can stand on their own merits and be understood without having seen Parts I and II? Or do you have to backtrack and watch a bunch of earlier films starring Talia Shire to make any sense out of them?

The answer to this question is a qualified yes. While it is generally true that Part IIIs are unbelievably stupid movies that boggle the mind, they are usually not all that hard to follow, even if you haven't seen the unbelievably stupid movies that inspired them. Through the judicious use of flashbacks, dreams, old snapshots or prescient comments by Joe Pesci, the directors of Part IIIs usually make it fairly easy for the audience to get up to speed.

We thus return to the original question: If you happen to be stranded on a desert island with nothing but a VCR, a TV and a bunch of movies that are Part III in a series where you haven't already seen Parts I or II, is it worth watching the movies--or should you just lie down and die? The answer: Flip a coin. It's probably worth watching Child's Play 3, Stepfather III, Rambo III, Puppet Master III and Howling III for laughs, and since you know you're going to be dying anyway, it can't hurt to watch Rocky III and Lethal Weapon 3 first. Basket Case 3 I would advise against, however, because it is so disgusting that it will give you nightmares after you die. As for The Karate Kid III, Angel III and Jaws 3-D, no, I would not recommend postponing your death simply to watch them. Pull the fucking plug.

Police Academy 3 is the single case where I would make an exception: This movie is so bad it will make you glad that you'll soon be dead, glad that you'll soon be going to your eternal reward. Because once you get to Paradise, you'll realize what the term "eternal reward" actually means: a billion years in a place where there are no people like Bubba Smith and George Gaynes. And you'll also find out what they mean by the term "beatific vision": a place where as far as the eye can see there are no Steve Guttenberg movies, and, better still, no Steve Guttenbergs.

There is one other matter to discuss here. If you happen to be stranded on a desert island and the last Part III movie you still have left to watch is Deathstalker III, make sure that it's really Deathstalker III before you put it in the VCR. The night I set aside 86 precious minutes to watch Deathstalker do battle with Troxartes--the evil wizard and ruler of the Southland--while the winsome Princess Elizena looked on, I was really anxious to find out if Deathstalker would be able to protect the enchanted jewel, one of three which hold the key to the fabled city of Erendor. Imagine my fury and disappointment when the film came on and in the place of Deathstalker was a young, anemic Tim Robbins ogling a girl in a skimpy bikini through a telescope. Yes, the assholes at my local video store had put Fraternity Vacation in the Deathstalker III box, and I had to wait until the following day to find out how Deathstalker fared against the undead Warriors from Hell. (He fared okay.)

The moral: If you're stranded on a desert island and the only movies you have to watch are a pile of Part IIIs in series where you haven't seen Parts I or II, make sure that the people who maroon you on a desert island at least put the right flick in the box. Conversely, if you're cast adrift on a desert island where you have a VCR, a TV and a bunch of frat-house movies, make sure the people marooning you don't put Deathstalker III inside the Revenge of the Nerds box. Deathstalker III doesn't have any babes in underpants.

One final question many readers will want answered: After watching 13 Part III movies from series where I hadn't already seen Parts I or II, did I develop a sixth sense about these things enabling me to tell, just by glancing at the screen, whether I was watching a Part III, a Part IV or even a Part VII? Absolutely. The last day of my research, I had my wife load up a bunch of sequels on the VCR so I could guess whether they were Part IIIs. I watched five films and was right on target in four cases. Right off the bat I spotted Emmanuelle 5 as a Part V-er (if Yaseen Khan is in a movie, it has to be at least a Part IV), and I also hit a bull's eye with Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, [Inside Out 4] and Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. The only film that I struck out on was Silent Night, Deadly Night IV: Initiation, where the appearance of Maud Adams, star of Angel III, beguiled me into thinking I was watching Silent Night, Deadly Night III --Better Watch Out! But hey, nobody's perfect.

At this point, readers may find themselves wondering: If this guy went to all the trouble of watching Basket Case 3 and Puppet Master III, why didn't he go the whole nine yards and watch Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Critters 3, Ghoulies Go to College and Delta Force 3? The answer is simple: I still have standards. What's more, I think most readers of this magazine still have standards. I am willing to contemplate a situation in which one of Movieline's readers might be stranded on a desert island with nothing but a VCR, a TV and a bunch of movies like The Stepfather III and Rambo III. But I am not willing to contemplate a situation in which one of my beloved readers would be stranded on a desert island with nothing but a VCR, a TV and a bunch of movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre III and Ghoulies Go to College. Anyone who would voluntarily watch movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre III and Ghoulies Go to College actually deserves to be stranded in the middle of a remote, desolate, culturally petrified wasteland where there is nothing to do but watch movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre III and Ghoulies Go to College, or die

I believe they call that place Los Angeles.

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Joe Queenan wrote "Ham Radio "for the April Movieline.

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