Everybody's Doing It...or Are They?

Basic Instinct

Nice snatch, terrible film. Since my friends and I didn't get to see the scene where Michael Douglas has his mouth on that snatch--the unrated video wasn't out yet--it's hard to say if the sex here is real. When Sharon Stone is on top, Douglas seems too relaxed. When he's on top, his drooping ass is all anyone can focus on. Nah, I don't buy it for a minute. Sharon Stone seems too witty to stoop that low.

Angel Heart

I can just imagine the pitch meeting for this film. "Okay, we get this guy, he's a dick. I mean, like in private eye. Ha, ha. So anyway, he's hired to find a guy who's missing. The dick's name is Harry Angel, the guy who's missing is Johnny Favorite. Okay? So anyway, the guy who hires Mr. Angel, his name is Louis Cyphre. Like Lucifer. The devil. Get it? Anyway, we get, oh, like... hey we get Robert De Niro to play the devil. Yeah, yeah, that's good.

"Okay, so Angel has to try to find this guy, and there's some nonsense voodoo, we'll figure that part out later, but there's a lot of chickens and blood and killing. Are you with me so far? Okay, good, so we get, like, Mickey Rourke to play Angel, that'll be casting against type. And then he finds a girl who might be Johnny Favorite's daughter, some beautiful mulatto--maybe Lisa Bonet plays her. He's poking around in some bushes and he hears a noise: It's her, all right, wearing a dress that is open so one of her tits is sticking out and she's dancing to this wild voodoo music. And over her head, she has a live chicken. Yeah, a live one. And she cuts its throat and the blood spills all over her and she rubs it into her tits and humps the ground. Man, it'll be wild.

"And somehow, she and Rourke get together to fuck, and this is the best part...he imagines that he's cutting her throat and strangling her while he's sticking it to her, and there's blood dripping on her naked ass and he's pumping real hard and maybe hurting her, maybe not. It's hard to tell what's real here. So get me Mr. De Niro on the phone, will ya?"

Not much more to say, except that I don't believe for a minute that they really did it. In any case, I hope Lisa Bonet got paid a fortune. And invested it wisely.

Wild Orchid

If there's a plot in this movie, I failed to understand it. It has something to do with Carré Otis being a brilliant lawyer (fluent in five or six languages) and Jacqueline Bisset being her boss, a tough bitch lawyer who likes to dance and dress up as a man. They go to Rio to do a deal, but Bisset has to rush off someplace. While Otis is walking through the ruins of a hotel (hey, I didn't write it), she comes upon a naked black couple doing the nasty. (There was no doubt in any of our minds that this couple is definitely doing it for real, but then that's not surprising, because they're extras.) Otis is embarrassed, mortified. How mortified? She stays and watches till they both come.

But that's only the beginning. Now she has to fill in for her boss on a date. You guessed it: the date is Mickey Rourke.

Otis shows up with her hair watered down. Rourke shows up with his skin smeared with oil. He talks dirty. She flees. He follows. Later on, Rourke makes her watch as another couple has sex in the back of a limousine (and these two definitely aren't doing it for real--they're co-stars, not extras). The next day, Rourke makes her have sex with another man while he watches from below (we couldn't tell if it was real, but we didn't care, either). My friend Alice summed up the movie so far by saying, "You could vomit," and then left the room.

The plot gets more complicated: Rourke gets to ride a Harley (proving what a terrific actor he is); Bisset has sex with a beach boy while Otis translates; the deal goes through. Thank God. Maybe now they can get out of this damp, humid place.

But no. It's like the last circle of hell . . . before Otis can get out, she has to fuck Mickey. We see him on top, her on top, him arching his back, her arching her back. He sweats, she moans, he sweats some more, she has an orgasm. To the naked eye, and with the video in freeze frame, it sure looks as if Mickey is playing hide the salami with Otis. Alice walked back in for the last 10 minutes and put it all in perspective: "This is definitely real," she said. "Carre Otis is not a good enough actress to fake an orgasm."

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