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An Old Person's Guide To The Random Celebrities On The 2012 MTV VMAs Red Carpet

Look, it's okay if you don't know your 2 Chainz from your Tyga, or One Direction from The Wanted, or your which newly-shorn platinum blonde pop singer is totes biting that other platinum blonde pop singer's style. We're here to help. Place your wizened finger on the pulse of today's 4G-cruising, MTV-addled tweens and get to know 10 random red carpet-traipsing hipster rappers, teen idols, one hit wonders and zeitgeist peddlers selling culture to today's youth at tonight's MTV Video Music Awards.

1. Taylor Swift

This one's easy: Taylor Swift is a Grammy-winning, platinum-selling country pop musician who writes songs about her famous ex-boyfriends and all the (mostly) crappy things they did to her.

Next: RiFF RaFF

2. RiFF RaFF

This Houston rapper competed on MTV's reality TV show "From G's to Gents" and has molded his aesthetic on all that was bad-good about the '90s. He is believed to be the key style influence on James Franco's character in the Venice Film Festival entry Spring Breakers and is already internet-famous despite the fact that his first album has yet to drop. Try not to let your kids grow up to look like this.

Next: Miley Cyrus

3. Miley Cyrus

The daughter of Billy Ray "Achy Breaky Heart" Cyrus, Miley is a famous actress and sometimes singer and salvia-smoker who just cut off and bleached her hair and looks totally cool. Even if it just looks like she's trying to look like...

Next: Pink

4. Pink

She's a rock star. Her songs say so. Moving on...

Next: One Direction

5. One Direction

The boy band is back! At least for now. Let your daughters swoon over these innocent-looking lads, who sing mall-friendly songs about how you don't know how beautiful you are, girl. Even if it looks like they're just trying to be as cool as...

Next: The Wanted

6. The Wanted

These guys wear big boy suits. They are men.

Next: PSY

7. PSY

GANGNAM STYLE, BITCHES!

Next: Tyga

8. Tyga

Underneath all those tattoos and such hits as "Rack City" and "Faded" is a 22-year-old rapper whose name stands for "Thank You God Always."

Next: 2 Chainz

9. 2 Chainz

Tyga is to be confused with 2 Chainz, who used to be known by the even less appealing name of "Tity Boi."

Next: Tom Petty

10. Tom Petty

This one, you know. Back in the olden days he was one of the first artists to appear on MTV, which was a television channel that used to play things called music videos.

Get the full gallery from the 2012 MTV VMAs here.