Look, it's okay if you don't know your 2 Chainz from your Tyga, or One Direction from The Wanted, or your which newly-shorn platinum blonde pop singer is totes biting that other platinum blonde pop singer's style. We're here to help. Place your wizened finger on the pulse of today's 4G-cruising, MTV-addled tweens and get to know 10 random red carpet-traipsing hipster rappers, teen idols, one hit wonders and zeitgeist peddlers selling culture to today's youth at tonight's MTV Video Music Awards.
1. Taylor Swift
This one's easy: Taylor Swift is a Grammy-winning, platinum-selling country pop musician who writes songs about her famous ex-boyfriends and all the (mostly) crappy things they did to her.
2. RiFF RaFF
This Houston rapper competed on MTV's reality TV show "From G's to Gents" and has molded his aesthetic on all that was bad-good about the '90s. He is believed to be the key style influence on James Franco's character in the Venice Film Festival entry Spring Breakers and is already internet-famous despite the fact that his first album has yet to drop. Try not to let your kids grow up to look like this.
3. Miley Cyrus
The daughter of Billy Ray "Achy Breaky Heart" Cyrus, Miley is a famous actress and sometimes singer and salvia-smoker who just cut off and bleached her hair and looks totally cool. Even if it just looks like she's trying to look like...
4. Pink
She's a rock star. Her songs say so. Moving on...
5. One Direction
The boy band is back! At least for now. Let your daughters swoon over these innocent-looking lads, who sing mall-friendly songs about how you don't know how beautiful you are, girl. Even if it looks like they're just trying to be as cool as...
6. The Wanted
These guys wear big boy suits. They are men.
7. PSY
GANGNAM STYLE, BITCHES!
8. Tyga
Underneath all those tattoos and such hits as "Rack City" and "Faded" is a 22-year-old rapper whose name stands for "Thank You God Always."
9. 2 Chainz
Tyga is to be confused with 2 Chainz, who used to be known by the even less appealing name of "Tity Boi."
10. Tom Petty
This one, you know. Back in the olden days he was one of the first artists to appear on MTV, which was a television channel that used to play things called music videos.