In the brand new trailer for New Year's Eve, Garry Marshall's holiday-themed movie event that promises to give the phrase "ensemble romantic comedy" a bad name, Robert De Niro wonders what could possibly beat "New York on New Year's Eve." I'll tell you what: Not throwing all of your actorly credibility out the window confetti-style to appear alongside Zac Efron, Jon Bon Jovi and Ludacris in a movie that features Ashton Kutcher trapped in an elevator with the annoying girl from Glee. You know what other moviegoers might also consider better than seeing Garry Marshall's vision of NYC on New Year's Eve? Tom Six's Human Centipede 2, which inspires similar nausea but for different reasons.
These two features have more in common than you might think. Both New Year's Eve and Human Centipede 2 appear to be overblown follow-ups; New Year's Eve is the newest chapter in Garry Marshall's overstuffed holiday vignette movie series that started with Valentine's Day. Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) is the stomach-churning sequel to Tom Six's Human Centipede (First Sequence).
Both films have an air of disturbing self-satisfaction (at least, judging from the below trailers): New Year's Eve in the way it assumes that audiences will want to see what looks like an unapologetically awful script acted out only because of the star power involved. Human Centipede 2 in the way its main character, Martin, is obsessed with Tom Six's first film Human Centipede and is inspired to construct his own 12-person pet because of it.
And in spite of the fact that both trailers might disgust us, people are going to see these movies.
Still undecided? I'll help you make an informed decision by sharing the disheartening casting notes:
Robert De Niro -- who gave us some of the best performances of this century in Raging Bull and Taxi Driver -- plays "Harry Buckingam, a man dying in a hospital." Oscar-nominated actress Michelle Pfeiffer plays "a frustrated executive secretary who decides to tackle her unfulfilled resolutions." Katherine Heigl plays "a caterer forced to work on December 31." Ashton Kutcher plays "Randy" -- no character information given, but from what I've seen in this trailer, he plays a depressed New Year's Eve non-believer who needs to shave. Ludacris plays a cop monitoring the Times Square festivities. Ryan Seacrest plays himself. Jon Bon Jovi plays "a successful rock star." And the list -- which includes three Academy Award winners in total (De Niro, Hilary Swank and Halle Berry) goes on.
Human Centipede stars Laurence R. Harvey as a squat loner who longs to stitch twelve people together mouth-to-anus.
Which would you rather (not) see? You tell me after seeing both trailers.
Or maybe Garry Marshall and Tom Six should just merge their two franchises for a next feature: Human Centipede 3 (St. Patrick's Day Sequence), in which "The lives of several couples and singles in New York intertwine over the course of St. Patrick's Day when a mad scientist mutilates them in order to assemble the ultimate, 20-person pede." Tagline (as quipped by Katherine Heigl in the glossy trailer): "There's going to be more celebrities in this 'pede than in rehab!"
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