Last night's landing of the Mars Science Laboratory, also known as the rover Curiosity, had all the excitement, drama and pathos of a major Hollywood film. Or, at least, the pre-title sequence of a major Hollywood film. If we do soon find ourselves re-living the historic moment on the big screen, we've got some casting suggestions for last night's adventure. Big shot producers, you don't owe us a thing — just save us a room on the Ark when it's time to move to Venus, m'kay?
(I don't know about you, but while everyone was cheering and hugging I expected a quiet guy in the back to rise up from his seat, point at his screen and say, “Guys? Guys? I'm picking up something that I can't quite— ” And then the lights would flicker, the floor would buckle, all the scientists' eyes would bleed out and a grotesque voice would shout “WHO DARES DISTURB ME?!?!!?!?!?”)
Tom Sizemore as Adam Steltzner
Known as the “face of the Mars Science Laboratory,” this media-friendly genius is the designer of the “sky crane” that got Curiosity safely to the otherworldy ground. According to an NPR interview, Steltzner's career as a scientist came after an adolescence studying sex, drugs and rock and roll. As such, we think Sizemore fits Steltzner like a glove.
Taylor Lautner as Bobak Ferdowsi
If Steltzner is the face then Ferdowsi is the hair. It isn't just the mohawk, it's the colored stars on the side that made him an instant Internet sensation. He went from around one thousand Twitter followers to twenty thousand Twitter followers in as much time as it takes to bounce a radio signal back from Mars. Ferdowski is was known as the “activity lead” on the landing. We're not 100% sure what that is, but we know what his next mission will be: PR. With Ferdowski's meme-ready 'do, NASA got handed its biggest, fattest wet kiss since Alan Shepherd played golf on the moon. As we type, Good Morning America and the Today Show are no doubt engaged in an old school Cold War space race to get Ferdowsi on the air. Let's throw the guy a bone and cast Taylor Lautner in the role (though we could also see Sanjaya from American Idol doing the job.)
Brent Spiner's Dr. Brackish Okun as Steve Collins
Proving that not ALL of NASA are post-racial hipsters with awesome hair, Steve Collins is an old school dork and God love him for it! His position is that of “Attitude Control Engineer,” which means that it's his job to go up to Miss Thangs that think they're all that and say “Uh-uh, you BEST adjust your attitude before I come in and need to take control.” Then he snaps his fingers. Clearly the man for the role is Brent Spiner, who already played Steve Collins' twin brother in Independence Day.
Austin Pendleton as Miguel San Martin
Miguel San Martin is the Chief Engineer of Guidance, Navigation and Control for the Mash Science Laboratory. In his spare time he's warning puppets everywhere about the proliferation of frogs legs on fast food menus.
Michelle Monaghan as Jennifer Eigenbrode
Now that Curiosity has landed it has to collect all sorts of Martian data, right? And somebody back on Earth has to look at that and figure out what it all means. That person clearly isn't going to be Damon Lindelof, who can't even give us straight answers for a planet he makes up in his own mind. It's going to be biogeochemists like Jennifer Eigenbrode. In the role of Dr. Eigenbrode, we cast the sweet and chipper Michelle Monaghan. And we're totes shippers for an Eigenbrode/Ferdowski love affair. She's supporting him as he anxiously tries to land the rover, then he frets his brow as she analyzes data. Ahhhh, young smart love!!!
Have your own NASA dream stars? Leave 'em below.
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[Photos courtesy NASA, Getty Images]