To be fair, there was never any possibility of me seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked in theaters...however there was a possibility that I might opt to half-watch a complimentary in-flight screening of the threequel if the airborne opportunity ever arose. To determine whether there might be any reward to this risk, I bravely watched six new clips from the upcoming comedy and logged my observations. Hopefully you'll find them helpful when determining whether to see Fox's furry CGI trio get Chipwrecked yourself.
0:03 - This appears to be the worst Carnival Cruise commercial ever.
0:15 - Listening to five seconds-worth of helium-affected Chipmunk singing is the cruelest imaginable punishment. The CIA should look into the use of these clips for torture against immobilized captives. Terrorists will be screaming for the waterboarding alternative after hearing the Chipettes cover the Go-Gos.
0:30 - Do you think that in the '90s, while on the set of a Sonic Youth music video, Jason Lee ever imagined that one day he would have to discipline CGI chipmunks while wearing white pants and boat shoes?
0:33 - Alvin makes his grand entrance by sliding down a rope harboring the cruise ship they are about to board. That's all.
0:40 - Breaking: Chipmunks need passports to travel. Do not book an international vacation with your chipmunk family unless you have the proper government documentation.
0:41 - This is a Carnival Cruise commercial. Take note of the Carnival tent stationed directly behind David as he tells Alvin (with a straight face) that he is "too young for parasailing."
0:05 - Surprising news: I am not turned off entirely by this clip. Simon (at least I think it's Simon) appears to give Dave some advice concerning Alvin while helping him get dressed. Maybe I judged Chipwrecked too soon based on the main characters' irritating singing voices, abundance of energy and the film's blatant cruise line advertising. That was not entirely fair. It would be great to have a wise, rodent-sized friend who could help me get ready for Carnival cruise black tie events.
0:59 - Dammit, Alvin. As soon as Dave heeds Simon's advice and loosens the reigns on his rat-sized friends, Alvin whips off his red shirt to reveal a Bond-style dinner coat and a plan. "I'm feeling lucky," exclaims Alvin, "And Dave said that we are old enough to make our own decisions."
1:00 - Theodore, the pear-shaped member of the titular trio, plops down on an easy chair with the remote control, revealing that he is my spirit chipmunk.
0:05 - The Chipmunks and Chipettes are off the Carnival cruise ship and appear to be [don't make me say it] chipwrecked on an island.
0:10 - Jenny Slate appears and the CGI rats scream, "Please don't eat us, Mr. Jungle Monster," after flinging a mango at her forehead. This is not the way to treat your most promising co-star.
0:25 - For a second, a disoriented Jenny Slate, also stranded on this island, lunges towards the chipmunks and I get excited, thinking this could take a turn into Lord of the Flies territory with Alvin's head ending up on a stick. Instead, she just can't believe that squirrels can talk and needs a closer look.
0:36 - When Slate confesses that she doesn't know who these high-pitched hooligans are, they offer her a choreographed "Bad Romance" number. Each second that they cover the hit, I see Lady Gaga's bank account growing in direct correlation with my annoyance.
0:59 - Upon hearing that Slate has been chipwrecked for "8 or 9 years," the Chipettes worry that they will be trapped "forever." I am unsurprisingly fine with this as long as the public isn't subjected to any more sequels of their adventures.
0:04 - We've made it to the fourth clip here. It's best to just power through.
0:10 - Three observations about Jenny Slate's character: (1) She's easily the least annoying human (sorry, Dave) we've encountered in these clips (2) She's the best-groomed person-who-has-been-trapped-on-an-island-for-eight-odd-years I've ever seen and (3) She knows how to rock a fanny pack.
0:18 - The chipmunks zipline to their new friend's place. There is nothing unusual about this.
0:11 - The kids/chipmunks/squirrel monsters/stars are stuck on the island and scrounging for food. Alvin finds a mango with no intention of sharing, and a full-on mango chase ensues.
0:18 - The first and hopefully last Charlie Sheen reference of the threequel: Alvin shouts "Winning!" after spinning a mango basketball-style on his finger.
0:21 - The gods, having heard this shameless Charlie Sheen reference, punish him fittingly by slamming him into a tree.
0:27 - Theodore, wheezing under his own weight and the added mass of his hot mango, trips over a rope. I will never not find the clumsiness of chunky chipmunks funny.
0:47 - Oh, here's that Lord of the Rings reference everyone requested: A Chipette greedily guards the mango while declaring in a Gollum-like tone, "My precious. My precious."
1:00 - Another Chipette grabs the mango and holds it high above her head, declaring, "A day on this island and we've become animals." Well played, Fox. Well played.
0:10 - As you half expected, this last clip centers around a barf bag and a runaway beverage cart.
0:15 - About that jungle monster costume that Eleanor fashions for the pear-shaped chipmunk out of a barf bag -- I'd like to think that this is director Mike Mitchell's way of addressing the critics who ridiculed the Chipmunks franchise from the very beginning. Sure, these movies are the cinematic equivalent of glossy barf bags -- but if manipulated correctly, they can also be crudely-fashioned excuses for comedy that a certain audience may find enjoyable.
0:26 - Now that I'm done stretching for an analogy, Alvin appears over loudspeaker for more hijinks. Per usual, Dave and I don't find Alvin's riff hilarious. Before Dave can discipline the most charismatic of his chipmunk trio, a rogue beverage cart defies the laws of physics, rams into Dave and causes Dave to FLY OVER said beverage cart backwards.
0:45 - Not a single flight passenger reacts to this beverage cart stunt or the fact that there are chipmunks coloring barf bags on their flight. The horror!
0:56 - Cue Dave yelling "Alvin," and me powering down my laptop, determined to never watch even a snippet of any Chipmunks feature again.
[via Hollywood.com]