Honestly? Kill those dudes. American Idol's tenth season about the ladies -- these toilet-scrubbing, bathtub-hawking, makeup-sponging femmes who look you in the eye, trill a melody, and demand, like, 8-80% of your soul. For keeps. Last night the Top 12 women crooned with unexpected grace, and today we've got them all listed, exalted, or exposed as frauds (in some special cases). Compare your rankings to ours, and prepare to be wrong.
12. Julie Zorrilla, "Breakaway"
Julie Zorrilla, I beg you not to become a math major, because you miscalculated odds in a big way when you chose a second-tier Kelly Clarkson song (Not even "Behind These Hazel Eyes"? For hating you, I blame myself!), bleated it without any new inflection or character, and expected America to vote out seven other women over you. We still like Kelly Clarkson, see. We're still living her breakaway like proud pop immigrant parents. You, on the other hand, are "breaking" into a mold that even Jordin Sparks would call a little "over." Bet she'd sympathize with your middle-school prom updo, though.
11. Ta-Tynisa Wilson, "Only Girl (in the World)"
More like "Only Girl (at the Days Inn lounge in Medesto, May 15-23)." Ta-Tynisa's trembling take on Rihanna proves the great Idol tenet: You cannot sing contemporary dance pop and add vocal runs like a panicked, horsefly-attacked Christina Aguilera. And you certainly can't sound out of breath after 20 seconds of cooing. I'm with rude boy Randy Jackson: S.O.S., girl.
10. Rachel Zevita, "Criminal"
I reserve a special affection for that merry era of mmmbops called 1997. What a time! What a post-Morissette wonderland of female alternative self-expression! What a time capsule that should be boarded up forever now that Rachel Zevita has turned Fiona Apple's "Criminal" into a Sondheim-y schmaltz-o-meal. She's been careless with a delicate hit! This was a seriously terrible arrangement and vocal, redeemed only by the sheer nerve of it. When she's kicked out tomorrow, I expect Ms. Zevita to unleash a Fiona-esque tirade that begins with "This world is bullshit!" and ends with a snarly "Seacrest out."
9. Haley Reinhart, "Fallin'"
No on Haley Reinhart. No on "Fallin'." No on those trite-ass diary lyrics. No on adding toddler growls to songs I already hated in 2001. No on that stupid, "Oh! OH! AHHH-AHHH-Haaa-aaaaah!" section. No on Steven and Jennifer's weird support of this cloying singer. Ugh! This world is bullshit! Seacrest out!
8. Karen Rodriguez, "Hero"
Let's review Jennifer Lopez's gasping overpraise of this performance. In summary: "Karen, you sang in English and Spanish, and I loved that. That's at least two languages right there. Seriously. Not more than five." I'm so enraged by singers that are proud to dish cliches -- the clenched fists, the earnest eye contact, the textbook mic grabs. If you're going to sing "Hero," at least bring some originality and dress as Amelia Earhart, Eleanor Roosevelt, or Tommy Mottola. Seems obvious to me. Or at least don't wear a sea-green frock from Jessica McClintock's "aquatic pageant" catalog.
7. Kendra Chantelle, "Impossible"
It doesn't help that "Kendra Chantelle" sounds like the name of a forgettable Bond girl, maybe the one in The Living Daylights or another Tim Dalton jam. We've barely met the girl, yet she's content to give merely proficient vocals and a tolerable Christina Aguilera cover. Kendra Chantelle, stop acting like someone's understudy. Have an identity.
Or forever be known as the girl who wasn't even as memorable as Denise Richards in The World is Not Enough.
6. Lauren Alaina, "Turn On the Radio"
It's clear that Lauren Alaina has been transformed by producer favoritism, and I don't blame her. She has a lovely voice that smacks of, yes, Kelly Clarkson, but her stage presence is too content, too unstimulated by the crowd and circumstance. She's gotten comfortable, and now she's Reba-gurgitating country radio without much sass or sultriness to back it up. I expect she's a shoo-in for the Top 5, but I profess that I'd be disappointed if she outlasted any of the following singers.
5. Ashthon Jones, "Love All Over Me"
The last seven performers have shared one vile similarity: an almost determined lack of stage presence (with the exception of Rachel Zevita, whose vamping does not need a good defense). But Ashthon Jones brings both the ferocious hand gymnastics and honey-nut timbre that I like in a balladeer. Problem, though: Why this song? Ashthon Jones is a girl who needs a beat, "something she can croon to" (quoth Vanity 6), and not goopy goop from the school of Babyface.
4. Thia Megia, "Out Here On My Own"
Randy Jackson compared Thia Megia to Michael Jackson, which means that Dawg's been sharing the same "aromatic" trailer as Steven Tyler again. Look, Thia: You're a great singer. You sang all of the notes, and in order. You've probably known this random Irene Cara song your whole life, and you're flashing enough tooth wattage to melt J-Lo's laminated skin. But you're also not quite human to me; you're a powerful singer with a humorlessly smiley personality and messiah gesticulations. I'm on board for now, but if honesty doesn't spring forth from your miniature visage, I'm going to cancel you.
3. Lauren Turner, "Seven Day Fool"
American Idol's shameful past of talented singers who are dismissed early includes a million Lauren Turners: the nameless firebrands who are skilled in pop murderation, but lack the backstory/mass appeal/Nigel Lythgoe-bait to lock in those votes. Her "Seven Day Fool" was a fabulous performance, but I wonder if J-Lo doomed her with the weird comparison to Bette Midler. Right, J-Lo: Lauren has frizzy hair and a mandible, so she must be Bette Midler. I don't expect her to survive the next cut, but know that I'll be sour forever about it.
2. Pia Toscano, "I'll Stand By You"
The absolute worst Pretenders song, "I'll Stand by You" deserves to be played on radio exactly 0 more times. You know Chrissie Hynde hates that song too. Most standing people hate that song, resentfully. Though I'm annoyed with the selection, I'll hand it to Pia Toscano for stepping out from behind her boring straight hair and belting clear to the Thermosphere. I'm not sure she isn't a version of Watson from Jeopardy! designed to power-boom ballads at perfectly soul-tickling levels, but in case she is a human being, I'm giving her major props and a well-deserved silver medal.
1. Naima Adedapo, "
Summertime"
My #1 fear: We live on a planet with the types of troglodytes don't understand that Naima Adedapo is the best contestant on Idol this season. Screw Randy Jackson and whatever nonsense he made up about a "lounge-y" arrangement, because janitrix Naima Adedapo was the only contestant to provide remarkable stage presence, a sense of humor about herself, perfect vocals, and an air of unpredictability. Her little aside of "Don't I wish?" during "Summertime"? Her hand swats? Her, uh, enjoyment of this damn show? All so refreshing. I've come down with diva feva, and the thermometer's hanging out of my mouth like a foot-long cigarette holder. Girl, put your records on! My radio! Now!