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Read the Scathing Oscar Opening That Ricky Gervais Wrote For James Franco and Anne Hathaway

    • Earlier this week, Academy Award co-host Anne Hathaway revealed that she would not be ripping a page out of Ricky Gervais' award show hosting playbook, How To Offend Everyone You're Supposed To Be Honoring...And Then Some. "I think that humor is really difficult to pull off," Hathaway said. "And I'm not particularly adept at it." (She also doesn't want to commit career suicide just to land a solid, below-the-belt jab at The Tourist.) If Hathaway changes her mind before Sunday, however, Ricky Gervais has thoughtfully assembled an entire Oscar opening monologue for her and Oscar co-host James Franco. Read it in its entirety below.

    V.O.

    Ladies and Gentlemen.

    Please welcome your hosts for this evening...

    James Franco and Anne Hathaway

    (Music and applause)

    (James and Anne walk out looking absolutely perfect)

    JAMES FRANCO

    Hello and welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards,

    Live from Los Angeles.

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    That's foreign for City of Angels.

    And this room is certainly filled will those angels.

    (Applause)

    JAMES FRANCO

    Thank you. I'm James Franco.

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    ...and I'm Anne Hathaway.

    JAMES FRANCO

    You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds "way out" but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you'll start to identify with him.

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    And I'm the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

    JAMES FRANCO

    It's a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we're not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

    JAMES FRANCO

    Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.

    JAMES FRANCO

    Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London...

    (Nervous laughter)

    He's doing some charity work.

    Yeah, he's visiting orphans with cancer.

    He's telling them what bald little losers they are...

    JAMES FRANCO

    Yeah, cos he's rude right?

    (Applause)

    Thank you.

    No rudeness tonight.

    It's going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.

    (Applause)

    That's not to say that we don't care. No, apart from all the great movies we made this year we continued our life-saving philanthropy. Mega stars like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Ben Stiller brought light to third world poverty and famine and shocked the world with visions of children so hungry they'd been living off dead beetles all their lives.

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    Yeah and Yoko Ono said. "What's wrong with that?"

    (Laughter)

    JAMES FRANCO

    Oh Anne you are naughty. In a respectful, wholesome way.

    (Nodding and smiling)

    That Ricky Gervais should do more for charity.

    (Murmurs of agreement)

    Ricky Gervais is now worth $80,000,000. The obnoxious Brit confirmed the figure, adding,"Yes and my dentist hasn't seen a penny."

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    Yeah, why doesn't he get his teeth straightened and bleached like everyone else in Hollywood?

    JAMES FRANCO

    It's a good question Anne. For the same reason he doesn't have botox or suck up to important producers - there's something wrong with him.

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    There must be. Why isn't the stocky, fangy, little slob more like us, right?

    JAMES FRANCO

    That ugly dude needs to get a Hollywood makeover, big time.

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    Quite. And even though most of the actresses here have eating disorders, that's better than being fat right?

    JAMES FRANCO

    You bet it is gorgeous.

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    You are so handsome.

    JAMES FRANCO

    Exactly.

    You know Ricky Gervais used to be bulimic.

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    Really?

    JAMES FRANCO

    Yes. He'd often gorge himself for hours with cheese and cakes.

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    And then vomit right?

    JAMES FRANCO

    No he left that bit out...

    (Mild laughter)

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    That's because he couldn't get his fat f*cking fingers in his stupid mouth.

    (Big laugh)

    JAMES FRANCO

    Anyway let's get this show on the road.

    There were some great kids' movies this year.

    I took a five year old to see Toy Story 3 last week.

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    Did you enjoy it?

    JAMES FRANCO

    No it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, "Who are you?" "You're not my daddy." "Take me back to the park where you grabbed me..."

    (Laughter)

    ANNE HATHAWAY

    Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you're one of us. And you are so handsome.

    JAMES FRANCO

    Absolutely.

    So let's get this show on the road.

    Our first presenter is a Hollywood legend whose boots Ricky Gervais would not be fit to kiss...

    The wonderful...

    Mel Gibson...

    (Standing ovation)

    And so on...

    Now who would rather watch that than some Grease tribute numbers and PG-rated rump shaking? I know I would.

    ยท Week one hundred and fifty-nine [RickyGervais.com via Vulture]