Believe it or not, there is an entire subset of the American population that does not look forward to snooty award shows like the Oscars because they have more important television obligations -- like Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy, the Lifetime docudrama starring Hayden Panetierre that premiered on Monday night. Forget your "powerhouse actors" and "staggering direction," the annoyingly ambivalent Amanda Knox had forgettable performances, a mediocre actor dressed like -- and constantly referred to -- as "Harry Potter" and a few grisly images thrown in for good measure. Oh, and for "authenticity," it dictated a few life lessons that Movieline has dutifully culled for you below.
1. If your creepily affect-less roommate is gallivanting around town with a former opiate user who collects knives and violent comics, maybe don't confront said roommate about her shoddy housekeeping skills. Let that untidy bathroom slide. It could be the difference between life and a Lifetime docudrama chronicling your death.
2. Don't invite a drug dealer into your home to read sexually explicit comics with you. This lesson is applicable in all countries.
3. Don't insult professional detectives by suggesting that the pool of blood in your shower is just menstruation-related, not murder-related. This is not Carrie and the last thing you should do is act like an arrogant American college student during a murder investigation.
4. You can't collect knives since the age of 12, insist on carrying one with you at all times and then act inconvenienced when police name you as a murder suspect -- especially if said murder was committed with a knife. As was the case of Knox's boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito.
5. Don't do cartwheels in the courthouse when you are a suspected of a highly publicized murder. It is very unbecoming.
6. Similarly, don't round second base with your knife-collecting beau while waiting to be questioned by police. And while we're on the subject, don't break up that make out session just to tell your grieving friend to quiet down. If a grisly throat slashing does not lessen your sex drive, you may be a murderer, and at the very least, a sociopath.
7. Don't falsely accuse someone of murder and then wonder why everyone thinks you are a liar.
8. Don't smile in court when you are considered a sinister murderer on trial.
9. When your mother tells you to come home after your roommate's throat has been slashed and you are being accused of a capital crime, LISTEN TO HER.