Telegram from Hollywood Week: Those old contestants you've seen sing already? They can still sing. Really! Signed, Nigel "I Only Care About Lauren Alaina Anyway, Lol, Not Joking" Lythgoe. Group week gave us little to hope for in terms of newer, breakout stars, but here are the four most memorable performances (for better or for worse) of the night.
Lauren Alaina and the Disposable Windbags!
Lauren Alaina is this season's ultra-pimped heroine, so I knew she'd slide through Hollywood week whether she sang like Aretha Franklin, Dr. Frankenfurter, or Anne Frank (who was notoriously sharp). When Lauren and three other growlers serenaded Walking Mugshot Steven Tyler with a rendition of "Some Kind of Wonderful," Lauren's vocals weren't even the best in the group, if we're being honest. That didn't stop Jennifer Lopez from adding a new verse to "Ain't It Funny" called "It doesn't matter what the hell just happened onstage, we only want Lauren" (featuring Ja Rule). Lauren survived, and the others died. Ryan Seacrest shot them with showbiz glances.
Robbie Rosen, Jordan Dorsey, and More of the Obnoxiously Confident!
Robbie Rosen, the snide little smile-prince who fancies himself the mayor of YouTubia, did his fake-nice thing this week with a rendition of "I Want You Back." He was accompanied by cocky-ass Jordan Dorsey and a trio of middling cronies, but they all advanced. Not a bad performance, but I'd like it if Robbie was told to 86 the faux-earnest facial tics. He thinks he's so damn cute. Thinks he's if he wears checkered shirts and coos like Robin Thicke, we'll love him. I just won't.
Jacee Badeaux and the Weirdos Who Remember the Lyrics!
How the hell did sad-bear honeychild Jacee Badeaux, who is 15, dawg, move past this week without remembering more than a single lyric of "Mercy"? Judges, this was your chance to boot the little boy who won't be the next American Idol. It really was. T'any rate, the judges allowed Denise Jackson, Stevie Cain, Natalie Hanson, and Brett Loewenstern through, even though I only see a real future for Denise.
The Sixteen-Year-Olds Whose Moms Would Kill Them for Messing Up!
Keonna Evans, Jalen Harris, Sarina-Joi Crowe, Feliz Ransey, and Deandre Brackensick may have been no-names prior to this round, but their take on "Somebody to Love" sounded how Glee should. (P.S. J-Lo dissed Glee at some point this episode, and I wanted to lick her beige-tan face like a wall in the Wonka factory. I hate that damn show too. Go on, Mami Anthony.) The harmonies were tight, the emotions ran high, and the four-star Star Search quality was there. However, these mesmerizing minors received the help of their mothers, who stayed around to coach their choreography and threaten to burn their dinners and f*ck with their homework. Utterly unfair, but I have a new favorite in Sarina-Joi Crowe!
And Finally, the "We'll Never Be Blu Cantrells"!
This is one of my favorite songs ever ("Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)"), and Keeira Lyn Ford, Ashley Sullivan, and Ashton Jones did it some justice. Except we need to trap Ashley Sullivan in her world of tears, because I'm done with her histrionics. She'll pretend to be pregnant next week, mark my words.